This To Shall Pass-One Year Ago

                               It is has been a year of great sadness, great joy, much growing, learning.......one year ago I was sent away as suicidal, what none sense, i just wanted to dissapper, leave all the pain in life..never have I wanted to die ( ok one moment, after being cut and quartered , they forgot to medicate me, i did leave the building , for a moment, self preservation ) never of my own free will, just needed to disappear to find the joy again....no one was listening ...so they locked me up, so surreal even the Doctor said I had to much color to be in there, I could not relate at all...one very long week..so many truths came out to see the light of day. My body and I have been to hell and back, some of the sweetest gifts I have ever received, some of the most painful truths came to surface..what a thin line we walk. 3 Doc. enforced withdrawals....sending me into a nose dive, every body issue I have surfaces to the top, omg, so many have now accumulated..most a direct result of bad procedures forced upon me by the medical community, I feel like a guinea pig. How can they not know, how much more devastating these procedures are, than a pill would be??????  Three different pain clinics, three,  how can this be, each time having to bend to the will of the "Powers That Be" their procedures ( never want to hear that word again), it is not easy to bend when in so much pain..each time more and more truths in my life also appear. I was forced to look at my body truths and my  emotional truths. Once or twice in a decade is more than enough, so 3 times have been way too much, I was forced to make many changes most have been sad, their beauty is that the sadness when dealt with makes room for true joy. I  am grateful for the growth the lessons learned, the joy that begins to enter my life. I never want to do it again, I will continue to blossom becoming myself please let me open the doors at my own time and pace...i do not know if I could endure another forced growth spurt, my body alone will not make it, all ready I walk that line. Yet the gifts received are many, new friends, old friends, support is the sweetest of all. I give thanks to the Power for all that has happened, I really appreciate the sweet  sweet joy, ONE LOVE.......                                                                                                          

the heart of the beast

                   WHERE HAVE I BEEN, WHERE HAVEN'T I BEEN
I have seen the underside of the beast working my way back out. The atrocities I have had to endure the past few months are beyond recognition. i have been thrown to the street more times than i can remember, if you die i will get blamed, no one ever dies from withdrawal, you are to blame, junkie, er- never come back, 6 months- cannot find your records-no meds for you, surgery's total paralysis or a pump under 9 scars. What about me? Cannot walk, nor sit, neck so swollen so big-thyroid,feet stabbing-spasms gloure curling up no recognition, blood boiling heart forever sore- sweet to sweet, can't take it no more!    Thank you UNCLE SAM YOUR POLOCIES DESTROY , laws make our hearts green , fear is everywhere  , running no cares, so where, where do I go now, how do i get there??? TEAR much PAIN, I am back.