THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                         This will be my 5th writing of this blog, so it better be good by now!   When I go into the doctors office I always feel a bit crowded. There should be me and my doctor in there, right.....wrong! There is an entire crowd in there, me and my doctor, the insurance company, the pharmacy, and the government of the United States. It can be very hard to get proper care with so many entities stuffed in those small, tiny rooms. The doctor can not treat as he/she sees fit.  I do not blame them at all, with so many eyes judging , I would worry too.           So, let see how many of these entities we can get in the game, just for little ol’e me. The insurance companies, they just want to keep cost down by any means possible, if they thought about our care,their costs would go down in the long run, but no to short sighted. The pharmacy has the option to fill or not to fill ( that is the question) and what kind to fill. There is now glue a binder, in our medication to keep people from using it improperly, ah come on, I learned in kindergarten not to eat glue!  Then we come to the government of these United States, new laws bind the hands of our providers, not allowing them the freedom to prescribe as they deem necessary. Each medication is classified and there can be no variance in prescribing even though it is common knowledge that a medication does have more than one use.    Then there is the computer...... a huge, gargantuan machine, the size of two football fields and 8 stories high ( in my mind anyway). The purpose of such a thing......to track us and the doctors, on who, what, when, why and quantity.  Tracking us, observed, even school children have the right not to be tracked, it is illegal! Why are we smarter and have more rights at 6 than 56?  In one fail swoop this computer has taken away my, our civil rights. What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Again out the proverbial window.   The right to live comfortably, free of pain ( pain does kill) is now gone, the patients bill of rights has been tossed out the window. Our right to privacy, remember HIPPA, gone. Even though we still sign a paper to release information,  it’s a sham, a travesty of justice.  This time it is down the drain along with the baby.  My medication is now called a drug. Is insulin for a diabetic called a drug, or the steroids for an asthmatic refereed to as a drug? No, these are called medications.  Drugs diminish the quality of a persons life, medications enhance it. I am not a drug addict, I am however physically dependent just as the diabetic and the asthmatic.    What I, we want are the proper medications at the proper dose, and my, our rights back......to give us a quality   life...... without a whole gang sitting in my doctors office with us. Untie our doctor hands so they can properly care for us, and GIVE US A QUALITY LIFE.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                        There are times when I sit to blog it is as if in the dentist chair.  I have thought long and hard whether I want to continue with this topic. However this blog is as much a part of  me as I of it, this is my voice for now. why do I feel a need for a voice, because I  hurt my body at the age of 10 and have never been heard, even today I am  not heard, everyone knows where MY body is at,  where my head is, what I am feeling, what I need. Amazing how they all know so much, when even I don't know. Eventually it spills over into the rest of my life, there is  apart of me that has nothing to do with pain. When a  person is injured at such a young age, not many people seem to take the time to listen, if they do listen they defiantly know better than you do about what is going on in your body, and what it needs. Granted doctors  have credentials to tell me what they know, or ideas for treatment, but I am the one in this body, I am the one feeling the results of their actions, no matter what my age. Much of the time, most of it, I spend talking, trying so so so hard to get people  to understand, what I am feeling, physically and emotionally. Rarely are they right, yet they know best... how,why, and what it is I need to heal or function. This has been happening for 40 years now I am TOTALLY FRUSTRATED, so many people involved, have the ability to affect the quality of my life. There are a few who do not judge, who accept me as a person, it feels so good when I talk to them. I am a person to them not something broken to be fixed. My blog is my voice without another person judging me. I know a lot of people in this condition. This is why I will continue to blog on pain and the many obstacles we must over come. The world needs to see first hand what,we who are injured, must endure just to have any quality in our lives. We are not addicts, we are however physically dependent, just as someone on steroids or insulin or.......you get the picture. The pills we take are medications, not"drugs" as in the common use of the word. No one would ever subject themselves to all this if they where not truly in great need, I know I would not! I am person, not an object.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

               This too shall pass, why the name of my blog? everything in this universe is transient, even the life giving sun will one day blow it's self out. day by day, month by month and year by year, completely everything, shall pass. life is a circle, we ride round and round, sometimes up sometimes down but always round and around. why do i say this, because everything in our environment is in a constant state of flux. well of course it is, we all see that everything changes. how and why are the questions here, i will use the obvious, every year we experience a changing of seasons, it s a cycle, or a circle.                                                             
in spring everywhere has the smell of rotten leaves, they disintegrate, nourish the ground, bringing in a new sweet smell,a  fresh bright green growth appears. out of the rancid leaves comes the new life of spring.  fresh new life grows into the full plumage of summer. time passes, colors of spring become darker and richer, blossoming until they reach their full glory at the height of summer, the glory of colors, blossoms bursting with goodness from the soil,made up of dead rotten leaves,blossoms feed and sustain us until the cycle returns.  blossoms become even darker, they're filled to the brim,  changing  to many glorious colors of the earth and sun. colors fade into brown, having lived their cycle, they wither away falling to the ground, there they rest through a long frozen winter waiting for the sun to return and warm them, rotting to begin again.      this cycle is the circle of life of our plants, sustaining us through many cycles or circles in our own lives.    thus; THIS TOO SHALL PASS, everything in life passes. ENERGY is constantly flowing.

thiss too shall pass

           THIS WAS WRITTEN OUT OF TOTAL DESPERATION,  a while back the pain and suffering for me and then to others i love was to much.  i am re posting this sad sad letter so others might glimpse at the desperation we, in constant horrid pain, must deal with. THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE;      what to say, i can not hurt those i love,anymore,forgive me. i want t set you free from the burden i have become. to my children and husband i am sorry i can not be strong anymore. the pain has reached my brain. i no longer wish to cause pain to gen ,amzi,and z. it seems the medical community has practiced the wares on me too much for too long. it has gone all terribly wrong. i can not take seeing the destruction  i am causing my babies they deserve MUCH BETTER, a long, happy fulfilling life. it will not happen with ME in it. the only solution  i see left is to remove myself from the equation. I pray with all that i am, forgiven by those old enough, i and that
no more damage is done to those, who hold my heart in their hand. i will always be you i will never leave. to g thank you for my children and amazing father.   Amazi  i can not begin to say how much  i love u , you are my soul,. Z, you are my rock you and are a gentile giant   Amzi i am sorry i can not be the parent u want,  z i am sorry i am putting u through all this          g amzi and z i love you more than life.             take care of eddie  IMMA

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

            after writing about lying, i want to write about another state of being ,love. love, true love, can open your heart, make it sing with joy, lighting a spark that glows brighter than any star, as your spirit soars to unimaginable heights.  love makes you strong, not weak, love lifts you up when you are down.  everything is possible, you are able to over come obstacles you never though you could.you become empowered by the strength of an others combined with that of your own. the trails and tribulations in life roll off like water on a ducks back. when someone believes in and loves you the  fortitude of personality and will, take you were ever your dreams can go.  thank you for your strength and healing.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

              WOW, it seems there are real humans in corporations after all, they really want to help. now the next day, when people are not honest, especially people in places of authority, it makes life so difficult. have you ever noticed that when you are lied to or manipulated not only does your world seem to spin off  balance but you feel crazy? i know i do, someone lies to me and i react accordingly. suddenly nothing is turning out the way it should. it is impossible to say something and expect reality to bend accordingly. in the mean time i am trying my hardest to get a square peg in into a round hole. i think i am crazy, over the years i have learned that when ever i feel this certain craziness, 9 out of 10 times being lied to.   I HATE BEING LIED TO! makes ya crazy.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

          what  crazy day! i went to my new pain doctor for my 2 week check in ,he is really very nice i can actually talk with him, about everything. as he keeps getting more and more of my mri's, ct scans and ex-rays he keeps increasing  the medication dose. he has come up with different ideas other than medication. even those keep changing. he is a sweet a guy really listens, looks at films and explains them, plus he likes to laugh,  IT HAS BEEN A LONG HARD FOUR YEARS, I HAVE WORKED HARD TO FIND THE RIGHT DOCTORS AND GET ANSWERS. so here we are today, in his office and he increased my medication., yeah!! pain is almost under control. now i leave my half empty bottles with him, new scripts in hand.  off we go to the pharmacy,  we drop them off and leave, expecting the medication to be delivered  soon.  for 4 whole hours i allowed my self to take medication and be realtivy free of pain. surprise, surprise, i get a call from the pharmacy..TO EARLY TO FILL!  now i am in a state of shock, this is a whole new script, with an increase, even 6 months ago that meant they had to fill it, not now, all the rules have changed. i am supposed to return to the doc get my meds back and suffer for 2 more weeks, i refuse! in a few hours i will get up and call the insurance company. telling them  that last night i had to call a suicide prevention line, i was not suicidal,yet
but was scared it was coming, that is how bad the pain has been for a month now. telling them i refuse to suffer any more!!! i have worked too long and hard to have this stop me from from haveing a painless time!  after a they have paid for.....come on, really?  if they do not cooperate i will be in the ER every day for the next two weeks keeping ny pain managed. the choice will be theirs, $2500.00 per visit or a few $ on medication, the ER must medicate i have a new medication plan, they are obligated to treat me. IT WILL BE INTESTING TO SEE WHICH THEY CHOOSE

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

up and down around and around i go until old skin flies away, showing a better route, new paths, old memories brighten the way. like a sapling growing stronger, taller each day, many new branches strive to reach sunlight. which branch to take a ride on. or jump from branch to branch taking with the lessons of each. returning to the strength of the trunk drinking the sweet juice of wisdom, from mother earth. she gives strength to every branch to reach his light.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I would like to tell everyone why I am bothering with a book instead of enjoying life when ever i can. i was brought up to believe that, yes i am my brothers keeper. i see my brothers and sisters hurting every day. so much pain , hurt, sorrow, it breaks my heart. how does one go about mending a broken heart, by repair. like our planet in pain right now from abuse and overuse. people, advocates, are doing all they can to heal our broken home. they feel a responsibility to repair the damage. i know we as a group have a chance to mend our broken hearts, in a way never before done. we are the many voices of pain, i for one can no longer tolerate the abuse toward those of us who suffer needlessly. THAT WAS A NICE DREAM, PAINFUL BUT GOOD. seems u always learn the most from painful failures. not that i want to live this way, it just happens. i am ready to slow the learning curve and start doing.~~~ruby

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

    this is ridicules i am a person with rights!! first the insurance companies get into bed with the doctors, telling us what medication we can and can not have, or how many pills we are allowed. HIIPA is now a joke, the government has the right to store our medication scripts in a computer and track us!! Now the

THIS TOO SHALL PASS