THIS TOO SHALL PASS

      People who have good health do not want to be near people who do not. It wold seem to me that they feel helpless, and frustrated. Then they disappear, not understanding what to do or not what to. I received the most devastating news yet about my spine, one piece is that my spine is narrowing at a rather rapid rate. Here I lay alone, no one around, to even comfort me. I am alone, lost and afraid. Funny, my first surgery there where 20 people there before and after, the staff even asked some to leave, but they would not. At surgery number 10, I was alone, not a soul in sight. Do they think it is easier with time, do they not care anymore, or are they frustrated by the whole thing. Bottom line for me, I am alone in this world trying to optimistically persevere.  I am just plain scared and full of pain! I JUST WANT TO LIVE A LIFE WITH SOME QUALITY.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

   `OR WILL IT? i am beginning to wonder if this will ever get better? i found a new pain management doc last week, he even increased my medication by just a bit but what difference! I  was told to see his partner this week, so i went. No one told me that his partners referral was insufficient. When i got there boy what a surprise!! He did not have enough info to treat me, he did give me enough medicine so I would not die, just want to. although he did lower one from 6 mg per day to .25, that would kill me. I called and pointed this out so it was doubled to 1mg per day! as i said not enough to die, just want to. My new primary just took all my MRI'S CAT SCANS AND EX-RAYS, to 3 spine experts all agreed, i need a fusion of my spine from top to bottom. Which would most likely leave me paralysed, oh and the hole from a 6 year infection is filled with spinal fluid. the hole must be closed but after 10 surgeries the is no tissue left i would end up with a hole. Just what i need, my spine exposed. Now I am stuck at a clinic with a Doctor who does not have any idea how to treat or is too afraid. the new computers that track us have doctors so scared they are afraid to treat, but that is another story. wanting to live, not at all sure how or if.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

   There are so many things I would rather write about, than a life in pain, however that is my reality. The world needs to know what is happening to us,so many people simply exist. Our only interaction with the world is though a never ending world of medical professionals. I live in a world of total and complete isolation! I am that told I am loved, that my presence matters, i do not feel that my survival much matters any more. I am reduced to a body racked in pain waiting to be shown my survival is important, that it is more than mere words. As hard as I might try to move beyond all this find something to hold on to, it becomes harder and harder with each passing day. I do not understand how doctors can allow people to suffer so in good conscience.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

    There are so many things I woould ra

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

   This country is a ship afloat, dead in the water! When laws are passed insuring certain rights, how can the government pass new laws which totally ignore the previous ones? I found in my papers a "patients bill of rights" circa 1998 then came "HIPPA" guaranteeing doctor-patient confidentiality. So how in the world are they able, by law, to instal computers which track every prescription a physican writes to a patient for pain manegment? I understand there is and always will  be a problem with abuse of one kind or another. However the vast majority of people needing pain medication are not abusing the one thing that can give them relife and a quality life! The differance between being an addect and being physically dependet is vast! pain meds are to a person in pain no different than insulin to a dibetic.Just as blood surar to high or low, pain will kill, rapid heart beat elevating the blood pressure or retricting one ability to take a breth.   PAIN MEDICATION IS NOT A CHOICE, it keeps us alive!  To be treated as criminals, guilty before being charged because we want to live is unquestionable!        As I eluluded in beginning; how can the governor, and USA government put in palce somthing that is against the law? violating our doctor - patient rights to confidentiality.  again betaryed by doctors and government!

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

  It is amazing how one persons attitude can affect an others attitude, how they feel about themselves and their abilities. When a persons body does not want to function, no matter what, all that is left is the strengh of will power. Will power, so easily effected by a persons support and the attiududes coming at them. Now after saying that I would really apprciate someone yanking my spine out. Abilities or not it always seems to come down to the pain........COULD I HAVE MY LIFE BACK, PLEASE!

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

This is what i do not get, when there is something wrong in our body, in one place, many other parts love to get involved putting in their 2 cents - I am not tring to make excuses but the domino effaect takes over.e

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

As the title says, this too shall pass! I finally have a good primary, with case manager! that feels so great. I can not put it in nd a pain words. Next I found a pain doctor!!!!!!!!!!!! He is a real doc in a real clnic

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I go inside myself, to find myself, all i am finding is pain. my body our temples on earth is racked. i must go to my soul, that's where i am, this is our gift from above, we came onto this earth with a unique soul. where we reside when the rest has betrayed us, gone, or left. our bodies are temples that house our mind, our spirit,and soul. when that temple crumbles and falls our mind becomes overwhelmed and confused, trying to find a different, a different place to reside, that not being a reality, it must stay, residing within the pain with no way out. we look towards diversion, a deviation to find a recreation that allows us to continue to stay sane even enjoy our existence. our spirit so vulnerable to influence from without and within. everything happening around us, touching us in anyway can effect our spirit. from a gentle breeze,the sweet song of a bird to a loud thunderous voice filled with anger, or the gentle rush of water to the crushing blow of a boulder or fist. one will pick us up lighten our lode, the other will crunch us into repression. from within the voice we use when speaking within can be harsh and critical or soft and warming building, strengthening our resolve or weakening filling us with self doubt , our spirit becomes injured and sore, even bitter if we are not careful. Wounded we persevere as best we can. unless lucky enough to avoid pain wroth upon us by simply existing. in the soul we shine unscathed, our true selves true nature, survive always glowing holding us up to help us find the path on which we are meant to exists and shine. our souls help us to relate, guide us in the world outside of ourselves and the world inside ourselves. OUR SOULS, OUR TRUE NATURE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT, REAL ASPECT OF OUR EXISTENCE. that is where i can go to find myself~~~RUBY

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Reflection, forgivness, and change, I wrote of the first two in my previous blog. After a lot of reflecting on ones self and others comes forgiveness. Forgiveness towards ourselves and others, forgiving...... is difficult to say the least. The third part of the days of awe I believe would be change. How does one change or what to change? There are changes we make within our selves that affect who we are, how we relate to the inner and outer world. Then there are changes we make

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Reflection, forgivness, and change, I wrote of the first two in my previous blog. After a lot of reflecting on ones self and others comes forgiveness. Forgiveness towards ourselves and others, forgiving...... is difficult to say the least. The third part of the days of awe I believe would be change. How does one change or what to change? There are changes we make within our selves that affect who we are, how we relate to the inner and outer world. Then there are changes we make

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

This being the last of the 9 day of awe, between Rosh hashana and Yom kippur or in english, the days between New years and the Day of atonement. These are the days when reflection, forgiveness and change for the following year are done. The book of life is opened on rosh hashana though yom kippur, inscribed is our fate and the book closed and sealed, for another year. Reflection, I believe is the first step, understanding ourselves and behavior toward others. How our actions even thoughts effect everything in existence. So what have our actions been, what are the consequences , what can we do after identifying our reflections alleviating the hurtful negative aspects in ourselves and towards others, expanding the strengths and virtues. Then learning to block others energy, they might not even be aware of it or that is being aimed at you. Next I believe would be forgiveness, not just of others actions toward us more importantly forgive ourselves! All we have done,said or thought whether it is of our own doing or that of someone else triggering a response. Forgiveness towards ones self and asking those we have harmed ( even if we do not think we have) is really really difficult. In a way it is admitting to faults be they real or even harder, real just to oneself or someone else, or not real at all!