THIS TOO SHALL PASS-LIVING IN CONSANT PAIN

It has been awhile, if I feel good I want to get outside get fresh air see all the people(except the ones from my bed room window)and just say hi to complete strangers if the desire over comes me. These are the times I don't feel so disconnected from the world, awh what a wonderful feel it is. Not to be alone in my own little room with all my comforting chachces(stufff). To be in the big big world breathing real air my G-d it is delicious. Talking to strangers almost as if they are old friends, if only for a minuet. The pain becomes negligible and the warmth of the sun ,wether it is there or not ,warms my entire body all the way to my soul.    Then reality I woke this morning wishing again I had just spent the day before here in my little room. I spent most of the day feeling this way, until now. I am glad I had my adventure yesterday saw the sights breathed the air and talked to complete strangers. Of course my pain isn't so bad now and my daughter actually let me interact with her and her friends for a moment. I guess this too shall pass and the world can look alot better a few hours later.

this too shall pass-living in constant pain

  I has been awhile, the pain would not let me sit or if I did sit nothing that came out of me made any sense. It is sad when pain totally takes over your life, not just the physical aspects but the mental and emotional ones as well.. I really hate it when I can not put together a sentence because the pain has over come my brain.Most people know about the physical aspect of not being able to do something because it hurts too much. Most people don't realize that the pain also takes over your brain. It's as if the pain puts up a wall between all of your thoughts, nothing connects to anything else. The synopsis seem to miss fire, missing eachother as they wizz by this way and that. Nothing connects anything else let alone make any sense, I might catch bits and pieces as the fly by but again it is time....

this too shall pass-living in constsnt pain

Today is one of the hardest on my body. I went to my daughters college graduation I was up moving around for way too many hours. I didn't want to miss a thing,but today I pay and oh how I pay.It's not just the pain that makes me think I made the wrong decision. I would have been better off at home in bed.

this too shall pass-living in constant pain

I am in shock I have to give Doctor Jess Olson at health partner in StPalul MN his props!! I went into his office today with my dear dear friend Vicky,we have been friend for 23 years we meet when we were pregnant and had our baby girls two months apart.Vichy is a nurse who has been going through this with me ever since I started going to Western Dr.'s.It was such a comfort having her to hold my hand, to express to the Dr. in his terms what she has seen me go through these last 20 years. The Dr. listened to her and then he listened to ME! He said he has read my file and I had in fact tried everything he knew about and some he never did hear about.. I finally felt validated by an MD WOW.  I go to sleep a happy sore women tonight.       THANKYOU VICKY AND DOCTOR OLSON








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this too shall pass-living in constant pain

  The night before a Dr. appointment I don't know why but the anxiety drives me nuts. I really do know why I get so anxious. This person who is in reality practicing,  holds the fate of the quality of my life in their hands. Never knowing what will happen, will they take away the pain medication or the anti-spasm medication. Will they do something dumb and hit me somewhere so I end up blind (that is the worst ever) or try a new medication that doesn't help. Even worse, give me a medication that makes me sicker,like the prednisone did. All I know is tomorrow I will either be very happy because a dr. listened to me and did something that helped or I will be very upset because I must continue living in this debilitating pain with out much of a life. I am worried that I won't be able to make it through my daughters college graduation on Saturday. I can tell by my spelling the painis in control, so........

this too shall pass-living in constant pain

Tomorrow I go to see the Dr. that began this downward  spiral I have been on for the last 2 months. I am not sure what I will say. I want to go in there and yell at him, what gives you the right to pass judgment on me and my body, not listen to what I have to say, then when I call to say there is something horribly wrong I am told to call a different Dr. I know he won't take any responsibility for what has happened.I'm not yet sure what to say.I'm not sure why I am even going. oh yeah, it is part of the game I have to play.

this too shall pass-living in constant pain

   this has been a really hard weekend for me. Mothers day of course, trumped by my husbsnds birthday. I dont deny him his day he deserves to be king for a day, but why on the day they tell me and show me how special I am to them. Nice to be apprciated once in awhile! The worst of all on sunday I was turned down for the google affiliate program. Something about being a danger to my readers and my adsense account had been revoked. The one thing left  that I can do in my condition and even that is being taken away! After a few e-mails back and forth they suggested I might have used the wrong publishers number and to try again,so I did. I just opened my e-mail and there it was MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER. I know this might not be a big deal to most people but there is so little left that I can do and being validated by goole ment the world to me. I kept writing anyway because it is an outlet for my creative nature,and it just makes me feel better!! so THANK YOU GOOGLE for making me feel like I count in this world. Maybe I can mke a difference in others lives, and maybe just maybe I can change the relationship between patience and doctors. That would be the bests!!!!