21 January, 2012
16 January, 2012
14 January, 2012
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
The purpose of this blog is to help people who are not disabled understand what we, who are disabled or going through. I am going through so much personally right now I'm not quite sure how far I should go. Most of what I'm going through right now is a direct result of my physical condition.
This really hard on the person is going through the problems, but in some ways it's harder yet and those are the caregivers. And then there are those who are close to the person in pain but have no idea what's really going on, they frighten me, they treat you as a non-being who hasn't a clue as to what's going. Or a situation will arises and react to it as if you you are a normal human, without a care in the world. There have been so many times in the recent past that for one reason or another a situation will arise and I don't respond as I normally would. When I try to explain, what is going on or why I have responded the way I did, the response I get is that I am not taking responsibility for my actions. It's rather difficult to take responsibility for actions that you don't even remember, they cannot understand that some of the medications I have taken have literally made me crazy. Prednisone is the worst medication, not only did it make me crazy but it kept me up so I couldn't sleep, sleep deprivation plus feeling crazy is really really bad combination. Yet I am being held 100% responsible for everything that I've said and done. In theory I have no objection to this, but it just is not reality. Between medications, the fact that every nerve in my body is being pressed on by my spine and the lack of proper medication makes me one giant nerve. It doesn't take a lot on the outside, and the situation gets on my nerves literally.
I am constantly meditating, analyzing, and going within to find answers on how to deal with everything , I have to stop now my nerves are hurting so bad I think if this were a real piece of paper I'd be tearing it up right now, it's hard to see beyond the tears I need to meditate, I'll be back later. It's now 24 hours later, I finished the blog and my computer crashed, so now I get to finish again. I should not be sitting here crying it is not that bad, because I am so stressed out, literally as I said everything is on my nerves, so I am crying because my computer crashed and I need to take 10 more minutes to finish my blog blog. How stupid, waste of good energy. I wish I could remember what I wrote it was good. The bottom line is trust. When you can't trust your body, you can't trust your healers, you can't trust the people who profess to love you, life becomes very scary and lonely. I think that's enough, later.
This really hard on the person is going through the problems, but in some ways it's harder yet and those are the caregivers. And then there are those who are close to the person in pain but have no idea what's really going on, they frighten me, they treat you as a non-being who hasn't a clue as to what's going. Or a situation will arises and react to it as if you you are a normal human, without a care in the world. There have been so many times in the recent past that for one reason or another a situation will arise and I don't respond as I normally would. When I try to explain, what is going on or why I have responded the way I did, the response I get is that I am not taking responsibility for my actions. It's rather difficult to take responsibility for actions that you don't even remember, they cannot understand that some of the medications I have taken have literally made me crazy. Prednisone is the worst medication, not only did it make me crazy but it kept me up so I couldn't sleep, sleep deprivation plus feeling crazy is really really bad combination. Yet I am being held 100% responsible for everything that I've said and done. In theory I have no objection to this, but it just is not reality. Between medications, the fact that every nerve in my body is being pressed on by my spine and the lack of proper medication makes me one giant nerve. It doesn't take a lot on the outside, and the situation gets on my nerves literally.
I am constantly meditating, analyzing, and going within to find answers on how to deal with everything , I have to stop now my nerves are hurting so bad I think if this were a real piece of paper I'd be tearing it up right now, it's hard to see beyond the tears I need to meditate, I'll be back later. It's now 24 hours later, I finished the blog and my computer crashed, so now I get to finish again. I should not be sitting here crying it is not that bad, because I am so stressed out, literally as I said everything is on my nerves, so I am crying because my computer crashed and I need to take 10 more minutes to finish my blog blog. How stupid, waste of good energy. I wish I could remember what I wrote it was good. The bottom line is trust. When you can't trust your body, you can't trust your healers, you can't trust the people who profess to love you, life becomes very scary and lonely. I think that's enough, later.
13 January, 2012
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
I'm not sure if you are as tired of hearing about doctors as I am tired of writing about them.whether I like it or not this is my life now,dealing with doctors, coming up with plans, plans of care and having them changed, without saying a word to me. Never mind how much I need in order to function.
The not being able to function part, is a part that plays on my physical body. All these constant changes to my medications are quite honestly, making me crazy. firstly I am under medicated, then I am given only part of what I need to function. For the second part I must go see another doctor, how ludicrous is this, there's a shortage of doctors already and I need to actually three doctors to prescribe the medications I need to be comfortable. Never mind the costs to me physically and the amount of energy that I have, also the cost to society there are so many people waiting months to get into a Dr. and it's all because of these new laws that prohibits doctors from writing us medications.the fact that they no longer have time to see us truly does affect the quality of our care. I have just waited three months to get in to see a Dr., in those three months I've seen my by my face age by about five years.
all getting so old this i this is all getting so old I can barely blog about it anymore. I promised that I would continue blogging about we go through a daily basis. No one in the world can understand what it is like to be disabled, in horrific pain 24 seven, dependent to other people for so many of our needs. It is really very humiliating to have someone,especially someone who doesn't want to do it, have to help with almost everything. at the end of the day we really don't like ourselves much anymore, whether it be from the pain, having to deal with so many people who look down their nose who looked down on us. if
The not being able to function part, is a part that plays on my physical body. All these constant changes to my medications are quite honestly, making me crazy. firstly I am under medicated, then I am given only part of what I need to function. For the second part I must go see another doctor, how ludicrous is this, there's a shortage of doctors already and I need to actually three doctors to prescribe the medications I need to be comfortable. Never mind the costs to me physically and the amount of energy that I have, also the cost to society there are so many people waiting months to get into a Dr. and it's all because of these new laws that prohibits doctors from writing us medications.the fact that they no longer have time to see us truly does affect the quality of our care. I have just waited three months to get in to see a Dr., in those three months I've seen my by my face age by about five years.
all getting so old this i this is all getting so old I can barely blog about it anymore. I promised that I would continue blogging about we go through a daily basis. No one in the world can understand what it is like to be disabled, in horrific pain 24 seven, dependent to other people for so many of our needs. It is really very humiliating to have someone,especially someone who doesn't want to do it, have to help with almost everything. at the end of the day we really don't like ourselves much anymore, whether it be from the pain, having to deal with so many people who look down their nose who looked down on us. if
09 January, 2012
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
In the beginning, when all these surgeries started you were worried, everyone was. After a short time I became an embarrassment, no longer did anyone want to take me out, especially with my wheelchair. Amazing how the first surgery was so full of people that some were asked to leave, surgery number 10 I laid there alone and cried.
What is so hard to take, difficult to live with, I have gone from a viable member of my family to that of the leech.not in reality but in everyone's mind and the way I am treated. I still have much to offer, a life to live. I refuse to listen to the words, that spew from the mouths of most of the people who are supposed to be the closest to me. Said before they have no clue, and the kind of rejection and abuse that I am taking from them is intolerable. This must be why most people in my condition are alone. Very few are lucky enough to have people around, their family, that actually know how to deal with us or even care to.
and I think the worst part of all of it is I don't like who I've become. I am not a person who short of temper, angry or manipulative but that's the way I feel most of the time. I've have always been a very open and honest person, caring about others usually before my self. I know if I am to heal I must return to myself, the person who loves to laugh, who loves to have a good time, loves to help other people, loves her family. My heart was quiet yet it burned with energy, my soul loved searching, my mind exploring I should, I am literally dying to get out.
What is so hard to take, difficult to live with, I have gone from a viable member of my family to that of the leech.not in reality but in everyone's mind and the way I am treated. I still have much to offer, a life to live. I refuse to listen to the words, that spew from the mouths of most of the people who are supposed to be the closest to me. Said before they have no clue, and the kind of rejection and abuse that I am taking from them is intolerable. This must be why most people in my condition are alone. Very few are lucky enough to have people around, their family, that actually know how to deal with us or even care to.
and I think the worst part of all of it is I don't like who I've become. I am not a person who short of temper, angry or manipulative but that's the way I feel most of the time. I've have always been a very open and honest person, caring about others usually before my self. I know if I am to heal I must return to myself, the person who loves to laugh, who loves to have a good time, loves to help other people, loves her family. My heart was quiet yet it burned with energy, my soul loved searching, my mind exploring I should, I am literally dying to get out.
07 January, 2012
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
this one's a little bit deeper, lying, omission of truths, they're all ways of truth twisting. Why, too many reasons, people do it to make themselves feel better, but because they themselves do it a need to put it on you, low self-esteem, endless lists. I know when I'm being lied to or deceived because they began to feel crazy on an emotional level. but I also feel it in my body, it two picks up on the deception and the pain and spasm make me go through the roof.
I know I am being lied to and manipulated and deceived, because I'm feeling crazy. The sad part is it's coming from the people who are supposed to be the closest to me. I can't figure out why they resent me so, I know I can be a bit of a burden at times, and that really bothers them that they're not here for me. Then I guess it's my fault because I need them. the last few years I have nearly died were going on for times now,and was blind for nine months. I really did believe growing up that my name or was hypochondriac. boy did I show them, not much consolation in that, I might have preferred that they were right.right now everyone is talking about me, no one to me, none of them know the truth, they can't handle the truth,LOL. Now they have all stopped speaking to me. And if I ask each one why I can get 100 different answers from each one. But the bottom line is I have been disowned disenfranchised even from own family, the one I created. And none of them know what's going on, and don't believe me when I tell them.
People who do not listen to other people, or should I say more appropriately hear other people, have very little chance of making things right when there is problem, it so easy for them to manipulate the truth and put it all on you. In the end I am alone, without love of a family. In the end I am asking people, friends to support me and show me the kindness that should really come from a family.
I know I am being lied to and manipulated and deceived, because I'm feeling crazy. The sad part is it's coming from the people who are supposed to be the closest to me. I can't figure out why they resent me so, I know I can be a bit of a burden at times, and that really bothers them that they're not here for me. Then I guess it's my fault because I need them. the last few years I have nearly died were going on for times now,and was blind for nine months. I really did believe growing up that my name or was hypochondriac. boy did I show them, not much consolation in that, I might have preferred that they were right.right now everyone is talking about me, no one to me, none of them know the truth, they can't handle the truth,LOL. Now they have all stopped speaking to me. And if I ask each one why I can get 100 different answers from each one. But the bottom line is I have been disowned disenfranchised even from own family, the one I created. And none of them know what's going on, and don't believe me when I tell them.
People who do not listen to other people, or should I say more appropriately hear other people, have very little chance of making things right when there is problem, it so easy for them to manipulate the truth and put it all on you. In the end I am alone, without love of a family. In the end I am asking people, friends to support me and show me the kindness that should really come from a family.
06 January, 2012
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
well we get to try a new program. The just installed the new Dragon speak this should make my life so much easier and so much less painful. It's working really well my gosh so much better than voice-recognition! Well here I am going crazy again,medications.
once again you made my doctors appointment six weeks out instead of for so I had to call in to get my medications, but that means I have to go to the office, pick them up, take them to the pharmacy. Return to pharmacy next week and pick up medication. I swear to God I have done nothing but deal with medications for three months. Actually it's been quite a bit longer but the last three months have been a living hell. I still don't have everything they need.how long can it take to get in to see one Dr. were going on 10 weeks now, and even though the doctor knows it he won't prescribe the medication I need for the time it takes to get into the new Dr. this sucks.I try really hard not to cuss on my blogs, this time it couldn't be helped. I don't know about you, I'm sure you're tired of reading about how stupid this medication stuff is. I know I am so sick of blogging about it, talking about it, thinking about it, and dealing with it, feeling it. Now that was just way too much and so is this blog right now thanks for being here, and probably lose my mind.
once again you made my doctors appointment six weeks out instead of for so I had to call in to get my medications, but that means I have to go to the office, pick them up, take them to the pharmacy. Return to pharmacy next week and pick up medication. I swear to God I have done nothing but deal with medications for three months. Actually it's been quite a bit longer but the last three months have been a living hell. I still don't have everything they need.how long can it take to get in to see one Dr. were going on 10 weeks now, and even though the doctor knows it he won't prescribe the medication I need for the time it takes to get into the new Dr. this sucks.I try really hard not to cuss on my blogs, this time it couldn't be helped. I don't know about you, I'm sure you're tired of reading about how stupid this medication stuff is. I know I am so sick of blogging about it, talking about it, thinking about it, and dealing with it, feeling it. Now that was just way too much and so is this blog right now thanks for being here, and probably lose my mind.
05 January, 2012
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
I'm not quite sure where to go even begin. I think that the world is gone completely mad and I'm stuck in the middle. It starts at home, people talk about you but not to you, manipulate and confuse you. As you move out to the bigger world, meaning, the same behavior just continues and grows. I don't understand people's motives, which of course means I don't understand people, why do things that are so hurtful. Actually, I have this feeling that it makes them look better if they make you look bad. It's so easy in my condition to make me look like a fool. It seems that the majority of my family are hellbent and doing so. Why I ever came back to this place I don't know, I was always happier overseas. While the rest of the world wants to get in, jokes on them it is not any better here. Really I think it's much worse we pretend things are better, we pretend we have civil rights, we pretend we have all sorts of material goods, to make us happy, what a farce and it's all a lie. From family relations, to the gov't of the United States of America, it is one huge uncaring thought less society. Of course this is just the general picture and I haven't actually said any details and that the list is just way too long and they don't think there's enough paper on this pad to list them all. Suffice to say until the people in the United States begin to learn how to treat each other starting inside the family and growing out words, the country is going to become more and more fragmented and distant. All I really want is for this pain of the under control, and then happy is that really too much to ask. I know what I need to be happy if it just remains elusive.
04 January, 2012
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Hello, I haven't blog in a few days because I am more confused than ever. The holidays were horrendous for me, it would seem that I have alienated absolutely everyone. I certainly didn't mean to, and have done everything it can to correct the situation, but no one is buying. So I've spent an entire holiday season alone in my room, blogging, writing a book.
I haven't been sitting you're doing nothing, a lot of thinking, soul searching and deciding what to do next. It is very difficult when your options are so limited. On top of it, the new laws have come into effect there are a lot of people who are suffering to us like me. It is been three months since I began with my new Dr. and I am still waiting to get the one medication I need and to get my pain under control. So many people are being told to go to the ER whenever they have a problem especially those of us in chronic pain. The ER will no longer help us, the last time I was in there I was told I had a Dr. There was a plan in place and that was it. Go ahead and call a Dr. They will tell you to go to the ER, wonderfully vicious cycle were living in now.
Between my family and my body and the medical establishment, I have been left out to haying in dry.
I haven't been sitting you're doing nothing, a lot of thinking, soul searching and deciding what to do next. It is very difficult when your options are so limited. On top of it, the new laws have come into effect there are a lot of people who are suffering to us like me. It is been three months since I began with my new Dr. and I am still waiting to get the one medication I need and to get my pain under control. So many people are being told to go to the ER whenever they have a problem especially those of us in chronic pain. The ER will no longer help us, the last time I was in there I was told I had a Dr. There was a plan in place and that was it. Go ahead and call a Dr. They will tell you to go to the ER, wonderfully vicious cycle were living in now.
Between my family and my body and the medical establishment, I have been left out to haying in dry.
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