The purpose of this blog is to help people who are not disabled understand what we, who are disabled or going through. I am going through so much personally right now I'm not quite sure how far I should go. Most of what I'm going through right now is a direct result of my physical condition.
This really hard on the person is going through the problems, but in some ways it's harder yet and those are the caregivers. And then there are those who are close to the person in pain but have no idea what's really going on, they frighten me, they treat you as a non-being who hasn't a clue as to what's going. Or a situation will arises and react to it as if you you are a normal human, without a care in the world. There have been so many times in the recent past that for one reason or another a situation will arise and I don't respond as I normally would. When I try to explain, what is going on or why I have responded the way I did, the response I get is that I am not taking responsibility for my actions. It's rather difficult to take responsibility for actions that you don't even remember, they cannot understand that some of the medications I have taken have literally made me crazy. Prednisone is the worst medication, not only did it make me crazy but it kept me up so I couldn't sleep, sleep deprivation plus feeling crazy is really really bad combination. Yet I am being held 100% responsible for everything that I've said and done. In theory I have no objection to this, but it just is not reality. Between medications, the fact that every nerve in my body is being pressed on by my spine and the lack of proper medication makes me one giant nerve. It doesn't take a lot on the outside, and the situation gets on my nerves literally.
I am constantly meditating, analyzing, and going within to find answers on how to deal with everything , I have to stop now my nerves are hurting so bad I think if this were a real piece of paper I'd be tearing it up right now, it's hard to see beyond the tears I need to meditate, I'll be back later. It's now 24 hours later, I finished the blog and my computer crashed, so now I get to finish again. I should not be sitting here crying it is not that bad, because I am so stressed out, literally as I said everything is on my nerves, so I am crying because my computer crashed and I need to take 10 more minutes to finish my blog blog. How stupid, waste of good energy. I wish I could remember what I wrote it was good. The bottom line is trust. When you can't trust your body, you can't trust your healers, you can't trust the people who profess to love you, life becomes very scary and lonely. I think that's enough, later.
This really hard on the person is going through the problems, but in some ways it's harder yet and those are the caregivers. And then there are those who are close to the person in pain but have no idea what's really going on, they frighten me, they treat you as a non-being who hasn't a clue as to what's going. Or a situation will arises and react to it as if you you are a normal human, without a care in the world. There have been so many times in the recent past that for one reason or another a situation will arise and I don't respond as I normally would. When I try to explain, what is going on or why I have responded the way I did, the response I get is that I am not taking responsibility for my actions. It's rather difficult to take responsibility for actions that you don't even remember, they cannot understand that some of the medications I have taken have literally made me crazy. Prednisone is the worst medication, not only did it make me crazy but it kept me up so I couldn't sleep, sleep deprivation plus feeling crazy is really really bad combination. Yet I am being held 100% responsible for everything that I've said and done. In theory I have no objection to this, but it just is not reality. Between medications, the fact that every nerve in my body is being pressed on by my spine and the lack of proper medication makes me one giant nerve. It doesn't take a lot on the outside, and the situation gets on my nerves literally.
I am constantly meditating, analyzing, and going within to find answers on how to deal with everything , I have to stop now my nerves are hurting so bad I think if this were a real piece of paper I'd be tearing it up right now, it's hard to see beyond the tears I need to meditate, I'll be back later. It's now 24 hours later, I finished the blog and my computer crashed, so now I get to finish again. I should not be sitting here crying it is not that bad, because I am so stressed out, literally as I said everything is on my nerves, so I am crying because my computer crashed and I need to take 10 more minutes to finish my blog blog. How stupid, waste of good energy. I wish I could remember what I wrote it was good. The bottom line is trust. When you can't trust your body, you can't trust your healers, you can't trust the people who profess to love you, life becomes very scary and lonely. I think that's enough, later.
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