this too shall pass-living in constant pain

  I has been awhile, the pain would not let me sit or if I did sit nothing that came out of me made any sense. It is sad when pain totally takes over your life, not just the physical aspects but the mental and emotional ones as well.. I really hate it when I can not put together a sentence because the pain has over come my brain.Most people know about the physical aspect of not being able to do something because it hurts too much. Most people don't realize that the pain also takes over your brain. It's as if the pain puts up a wall between all of your thoughts, nothing connects to anything else. The synopsis seem to miss fire, missing eachother as they wizz by this way and that. Nothing connects anything else let alone make any sense, I might catch bits and pieces as the fly by but again it is time....

this too shall pass-living in constsnt pain

Today is one of the hardest on my body. I went to my daughters college graduation I was up moving around for way too many hours. I didn't want to miss a thing,but today I pay and oh how I pay.It's not just the pain that makes me think I made the wrong decision. I would have been better off at home in bed.

this too shall pass-living in constant pain

I am in shock I have to give Doctor Jess Olson at health partner in StPalul MN his props!! I went into his office today with my dear dear friend Vicky,we have been friend for 23 years we meet when we were pregnant and had our baby girls two months apart.Vichy is a nurse who has been going through this with me ever since I started going to Western Dr.'s.It was such a comfort having her to hold my hand, to express to the Dr. in his terms what she has seen me go through these last 20 years. The Dr. listened to her and then he listened to ME! He said he has read my file and I had in fact tried everything he knew about and some he never did hear about.. I finally felt validated by an MD WOW.  I go to sleep a happy sore women tonight.       THANKYOU VICKY AND DOCTOR OLSON








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this too shall pass-living in constant pain

  The night before a Dr. appointment I don't know why but the anxiety drives me nuts. I really do know why I get so anxious. This person who is in reality practicing,  holds the fate of the quality of my life in their hands. Never knowing what will happen, will they take away the pain medication or the anti-spasm medication. Will they do something dumb and hit me somewhere so I end up blind (that is the worst ever) or try a new medication that doesn't help. Even worse, give me a medication that makes me sicker,like the prednisone did. All I know is tomorrow I will either be very happy because a dr. listened to me and did something that helped or I will be very upset because I must continue living in this debilitating pain with out much of a life. I am worried that I won't be able to make it through my daughters college graduation on Saturday. I can tell by my spelling the painis in control, so........

this too shall pass-living in constant pain

Tomorrow I go to see the Dr. that began this downward  spiral I have been on for the last 2 months. I am not sure what I will say. I want to go in there and yell at him, what gives you the right to pass judgment on me and my body, not listen to what I have to say, then when I call to say there is something horribly wrong I am told to call a different Dr. I know he won't take any responsibility for what has happened.I'm not yet sure what to say.I'm not sure why I am even going. oh yeah, it is part of the game I have to play.

this too shall pass-living in constant pain

   this has been a really hard weekend for me. Mothers day of course, trumped by my husbsnds birthday. I dont deny him his day he deserves to be king for a day, but why on the day they tell me and show me how special I am to them. Nice to be apprciated once in awhile! The worst of all on sunday I was turned down for the google affiliate program. Something about being a danger to my readers and my adsense account had been revoked. The one thing left  that I can do in my condition and even that is being taken away! After a few e-mails back and forth they suggested I might have used the wrong publishers number and to try again,so I did. I just opened my e-mail and there it was MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER. I know this might not be a big deal to most people but there is so little left that I can do and being validated by goole ment the world to me. I kept writing anyway because it is an outlet for my creative nature,and it just makes me feel better!! so THANK YOU GOOGLE for making me feel like I count in this world. Maybe I can mke a difference in others lives, and maybe just maybe I can change the relationship between patience and doctors. That would be the bests!!!!

this too shall pass-living in constant pain

1. I was just saw the most amazing movie EVER, AVATAR. What was done to those people and to the land they are a part of made me angry and very very sad. What a movie to see on mothers day. Avatar showed what I have always felt and known about our mother earth. I always suspected it but knew for sure when I gave birth. It was as if my being opened up to the earth and let forth another life. A life connected to every other living thing including the earth that every tree every breath we take is connected to each other. On another level it showed how the pain feels inside my body, explosions everywhere, complete chaos in every cell to my DNA. The total confusion as the war rages on, not knowing where to turn or what to do to make it right,to calm the carnage. It makes me so mad that the doctors I trusted to heal me only and continue to make it worse! I spent the entire day yesterday in bed unable to move because the pain is so horribly horribly bad. They don't listen to me and what I know is happening inside.They know and they know what I must do. So why is it that each time something goes wrong they just make it worse? This all began 42 years ago with a fall thru the ceiling!

this too shall pass-living in constant pain

I have not been able to write for awhile,the pain is so bad I can only sit for a few moments. It is so interesting that I was feeling pretty good before I went to the pain specialist. ever sense I was there I have been going down hill. I lost my sight, and now I can belay walk anymore. I wake up each day in more and more pain. I would go to hospital but they never do anything. So here I lay walking once a day in hope something will get better! SOON before I  loose it.Thank G-d for children they keep me from doing something stupid.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS-LIVING IN CONSANT PAIN

Irony, I am off the steroids now so I finally began to sleep 3 nights ago. I sleep in a old sleep number bed,bought before it was a sleep number, they dont tell you that the air bladder is surrounded by a fom bar. The air bladder haolds up great, not so much the foam. the side of my bed slopes down from sitting on the edge. So, I finally get to sleep 7 whole hours. Somewhere between hour 7 and 8 I woke up with my face inside the bookcase next to my bed. I dont remember the last time I fell out of bed. It is a good thing I can sleep again because now the pain is so bad I cannt move. again thats is all my body will allow me, and that took three times.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS-LIVING IN CONSANT PAIN

I went to a pain specialist a few weeks ago. The exam to see how my body worked was so hard on me I still feel it 5 week later! I called the doctoers office to tell them that their exam has caused me all sorts of pain. They told me to call my primary Dr.,so I did. the primary told me to call the pain specialist back,so I did. They told me again to call my primary,so I did. Again I was told to call the specialist,I GAVE UP. I am sure that they did something that cause the blindness and an incress in my pain level from tolerable,with pain meds., to intolerable. No one will take any responsability for their actions snd the following consequensces. Now I am living in so much pain I am really thinking of going to hospital. Any full time patient will tell you,the last place ypu waht to go is the ER. I can't wait to go back to the pain dr. and have him explain why I hurt so much now and what did he do to trigger my sight problems. Of course he is going to say he did nothing to me and the sight problem is from a different cause. Why do I even bother. Just give me my meds and let my have a life that isn't a professional patient. There is so much I want to do.


































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this too shall pss-living in constant pain

What I am finding the most intersesting right now is how profoundly the steriods have affected me. The physical weight gain,a given.The lack of sleep,strenght of my emotions and the loss of a wall between my thoughts and my mouth.I am easily overwhelmed by almost everything.It is so difficult to keep things inorder,the outter world and in the inner world of my mind. The most surprising of all is the effect my body has on everyother part of me.I am unfamilier with the physical fellings I am experiancing right now. Those feelings are controlling every part of me.I  used to tell my kids that saying your sorry ment nothing unless you made a change,as my daughter reminded me today. I am soooo sorry for most of the things I say but I dont know what is going to come out or what the affect will be.I dont think I've said sorry so much in my life. I have never felt so usless or helpless.Again the back is calling the shots,it is time to stop again.