Happy HANNACRISTMAKWANZA the American holiday.
This blog is one of the hardest I've had to write, I've been up for two days and so upset that I couldn't even write. That's never happened before, I will always been able to express myself to a clean sheet of paper. Not this time, and for some reason I've just had to sit alone with my feelings and thoughts. It is so difficult to deal with the pressures of this time of year, but a specially in my condition. I've been trying to explain what is going in with my body and how that impacts what happens with my emotions and then my personality.
I have so many pinched nerves inside, that I feel like one giant ball of nerves. So when something happens that can get on your nerves it does, literally. Over the past two years many people have walked away from me. Not having a clue what is going on with me or why, most have just passed judgment talked about me behind my back and booked. No one bothered to find out at the medications they had just put me on so I could regain my eyesight were actually, literally making me crazy. No one bothered to find out that my potassium had been so low I should not be here now. No one bothered to find out that when the chair I said in broke and I fell right on my tail bone that actually broke it again, after 10 surgeries in that spot, I broke it again. Lucky for me I found a new primary who took the time to figure out what was going on.
So now I know what has been happening to me for the past two years and why my behavior has not been my own, well it is my own, but not my normal one. After being nothing but any emotional wreck for two years and trying really hard not to take it out on others, but it happened, and most walked away. And those that stuck around and did not make my life much easier, calling my reasons for my behavior excuses or not taking responsibility. Of course I take responsibility, they don't hear that though. All they hear me saying is that I am not responsible because of my physical condition. I don't think I have ever said I'm sorry so much in my life, I probably said it more in the past two years than I have in my entire life. But to no one understands, very few or even trying to listen. Keeping secrets trying to protect me, but they always come out. And when they do come out its sideways or backwards and then I feel betrayed as well as deceived and of course misunderstood and an area alone.
I really don't know what to do anymore, I have had enough, I don't want to try anymore. The anger and resentment that is being slung at me is too much, literally and figuratively. I am sure they don't much like it either. Everyone is tired of me they've had a enough. Their anger their resentment and are judgments are to much. My nerves can not take it, not on a physical a level, not on a mental level, and it definitely not on an emotional level. My the holidays are fun.
This blog is one of the hardest I've had to write, I've been up for two days and so upset that I couldn't even write. That's never happened before, I will always been able to express myself to a clean sheet of paper. Not this time, and for some reason I've just had to sit alone with my feelings and thoughts. It is so difficult to deal with the pressures of this time of year, but a specially in my condition. I've been trying to explain what is going in with my body and how that impacts what happens with my emotions and then my personality.
I have so many pinched nerves inside, that I feel like one giant ball of nerves. So when something happens that can get on your nerves it does, literally. Over the past two years many people have walked away from me. Not having a clue what is going on with me or why, most have just passed judgment talked about me behind my back and booked. No one bothered to find out at the medications they had just put me on so I could regain my eyesight were actually, literally making me crazy. No one bothered to find out that my potassium had been so low I should not be here now. No one bothered to find out that when the chair I said in broke and I fell right on my tail bone that actually broke it again, after 10 surgeries in that spot, I broke it again. Lucky for me I found a new primary who took the time to figure out what was going on.
So now I know what has been happening to me for the past two years and why my behavior has not been my own, well it is my own, but not my normal one. After being nothing but any emotional wreck for two years and trying really hard not to take it out on others, but it happened, and most walked away. And those that stuck around and did not make my life much easier, calling my reasons for my behavior excuses or not taking responsibility. Of course I take responsibility, they don't hear that though. All they hear me saying is that I am not responsible because of my physical condition. I don't think I have ever said I'm sorry so much in my life, I probably said it more in the past two years than I have in my entire life. But to no one understands, very few or even trying to listen. Keeping secrets trying to protect me, but they always come out. And when they do come out its sideways or backwards and then I feel betrayed as well as deceived and of course misunderstood and an area alone.
I really don't know what to do anymore, I have had enough, I don't want to try anymore. The anger and resentment that is being slung at me is too much, literally and figuratively. I am sure they don't much like it either. Everyone is tired of me they've had a enough. Their anger their resentment and are judgments are to much. My nerves can not take it, not on a physical a level, not on a mental level, and it definitely not on an emotional level. My the holidays are fun.
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