THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                                                                                                     Burdens,  never mind not right now
                               I think every person in my situation feels like a burden at one time or another.  If it's a horrible feeling when you're young or relatively so to be dependent on others for most of your needs.  As I just said in the beginning never mind, I have a change of heart, woman's prerogative you know.
                              I have spent so much Time &Energy in my life hearing in seeing my ineptitude's, my faults, and any and all in equities I could think of right now.  I had a change of heart, it's time I begin seeing to what others, those who love care about me see.  It can be really hard at times when you have so many problems to see to feel anything positive in or about yourself.  As I said, it's time to begin seeing what other see.  And there are so many people out there who tell me how much they love me, or how much they care about me.  I hear them tell me very positive things about myself, but I don't think I really hear.  To really hear something involves taking it inside, taking it to heart and to and really begin to see and feel what they're saying.  Because when I listen to other people who have a positive attitude about me I am not such a bad person.  I am actually fairly capable, semi intelligent and, sometimes I'm even fun to be around.  I am going to start seeing myself in that way as much as possible, always looking at things wrong, what needs to be fixed, or what needs to be corrected, because I'm not broken,it is not  helping me.  I also know that, that kind of attitude makes me a lot happier and does help promote healing.  Since I am fortunate enough to have people like that in my life than I might as well start listening.  And stop and hearing all the negativity and I am constantly hearing.  So from now on as much as I can I am going to try to concentrate on my positive attributes. 
  

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                                                                    Trust
                              I don't understand how people can think that any kind of relationship would work without trust.  Those little white lies people tell, leaving out a piece of the story or not telling the story and all, those are all lies.  Eventually the truth does come out usually in a twisted manner.  My caregiver  decides sometimes not tell me things, then they come out  twisted or sideways.  It's bad enough to be dependent on someone who does not want you to depend on them, but  to be lied to on top of it has become unbearable.  The anger and hostilities and so are so thick you can cut them with a knife.  So the breakdown of trust and leads to hostility which leads to resentment which leads to failure.  I don't know about any one else out there,  I have so had enough.  My body makes my life hard enough, without having those who are closest to me, doubt me, lie to me  or constantly complaining about everything.  I think all this twisting of the truth, ends up becoming a lot of anger and resentment.
                      It seems all these people who love me, from far away, who all decided that I'm lying, manipulative, and any other word you can think of.  I really can't take any more of it.  Between my body being a bundle of nerves, and my head spinning around, my heart can not take any more.  Last night as my favorite night of the year, and I laid here alone, scared, confused.  Isn't it really a enough already, a person can only take so much. 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I think the hardest part in all of this if as that I have so little patience.  Once upon a time I had an abundance, and but it's gone,  I pray one day I  get it back.  Things would rarely bother me, if they did I could easily distract myself and move on.  But when you're living right on the edge all the time there's not a lot of room for play.  I feel like my nerves are on the out side.  Even speech recognition just to took 5 minutes to understand the word out, it just did it again.  Come on now how hard can these simple things be? Right now they seem insurmountable, that one the machine gets right.  my patients is being tried and I am failing.  It takes so much energy to control myself it's ridiculous, this should not be so hard.  I don't think the doctors really take their jobs seriously, I know they have no idea how much of an impact they have over the quality of our lives.  To them what is a week or a month?  It's only a bit of time,  to people who do not have a chronic disease, time goes fairly fast.  I
    

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                        Happy HANNACRISTMAKWANZA the American holiday.
                  This blog is one of the hardest I've had to write, I've been up for two days and so upset that I couldn't even write.  That's never happened before, I will always been able to express myself to a clean sheet of paper.  Not this time, and for some reason I've just had to sit alone with my feelings and thoughts.  It is so difficult to deal with the pressures of this time of year, but a specially in my condition.  I've been trying to explain what is going in with my body and how that impacts what happens with my emotions and then my personality.
               I have so many pinched nerves inside, that I feel like one giant ball of nerves.  So when something happens that can get on your nerves it does, literally.  Over the past two years many people have walked away from me.  Not having a clue what is going on with  me or why, most have just passed judgment talked about me behind my back and booked.  No one bothered to find out at the medications they had just put me on so I could regain my eyesight were actually, literally making me crazy.  No one bothered to find out that my potassium had been so low I should not be here now.  No one bothered to find out that when the chair I said in broke and I fell right on my tail bone that actually broke it again, after 10 surgeries in that spot, I broke it again.  Lucky for me I found a new primary who took the time to figure out what was going on.
                    So now I know what has been happening to me for the past two years and why my behavior has not been my own, well it is my own, but not my normal one.  After being nothing but any emotional wreck for two years and trying really hard not to take it out on others, but it happened, and most walked away.  And those that stuck around and did not make my life much easier, calling my reasons for my behavior excuses or not taking responsibility.  Of course I take responsibility, they don't hear that though.  All they hear me saying is that I am not responsible because of my physical condition.  I don't think I have ever said I'm sorry so much in my life, I probably said it more in the past two years than I have in my entire life.  But to no one understands, very few or even trying to listen.  Keeping secrets trying to protect me, but they always come out.  And when they do come out its sideways or backwards and then I feel betrayed as well as deceived and of course misunderstood and an area alone.
                 I really don't know what to do anymore, I have had enough, I don't want to try anymore.  The anger and resentment that is being slung at me is too much, literally and figuratively.  I am sure they don't much like it either.  Everyone is tired of me they've had a enough.  Their anger their resentment and are judgments are to much.  My nerves can not take it, not on a physical a level, not on a mental level, and it definitely not on an emotional level.  My the holidays are fun.


 

 

                              I have many voices, I have many names, I have been here many times before.
                                 Maybe, here's another treasure found in my life.  Without my life being the way it is, I would have missed out on so many beautiful treasures.  Of course  there are the problems, leaving those aside, we have much happier things to experience right now.  Tonight light a fire and ask that ( light return to war world, wow, speech recognition just wrote by itself the word wake up the if it, O M G.)  Tonight we light a fire and asked that light returned to our world.  In doing so we're asking that life be brought back, the light from our s sun will do the hard work, we get to do the easy part, as if.  Everything is a cycle, at each cycle we have a choice on how to deal with the things that will come around again.  Do we want to do them in the same way we did before or do we want to do than differently?  The choice is ours to make.  Looking deep inside myself, by myself, with myself, I can see.  What do I see?  I see a world in pain, not just my own kind but in many in many different kinds, we can heal any time... we choose.....
                           Will we continue to react and the same way or will we choose a new way?  I hope and I pray for myself for my family for my friends for my community for my humanity, that we all working together supporting each other, will help transform this is rock we live on into something that we're proud to call our collective own, something we're proud and to pass on to the coming generations.  Our legacy what will it look like, what will it say about us and our attitudes.  Again they pray and that we have the strength, and wisdom, to carry forward in a righteous thunder(speech recog.again) respectful, loving and truly caring I mean truly not just the stuff we say and blow off I am talking about truly caring from the heart no matter what happens.
                         So the question is treasure in my life.........  The chance to spend time whether I chose it or not it was given to me, I've been given the chance to spend time with myself, by myself and for myself.  What a great gift if you think about it,and tonight I really want to think about it.  This is my present at the festival of lights tonight.
                         Please go with a light as much as you can whenever you can, I find it hiding in my heart quite often when looking inside, the sun and stars, northern lights.  This light is such a precious gift I hope you're able to feel and enjoy it.LYNN A. Sara Lyron Rubenstein Nicholson, LIGHT AND PEACE~~SHALOM, come and leave in peace.  An
I have many voices, I have many names, I have been here many times before.
                              present at the festival of lights tonight.
                         Please go with a light as much as you can whenever you can, I find it hiding in my heart quite often can.  This light is such a precious gift I hope you're able to feel and enjoy it. Lynn    Sara Lyron Rubenstein Nicholson, LIGHT AND PEACE~~SHALOM, come and leave in peace.  An
I have many voices, I have many names, I have been here many times before.
                           It seems that my pain......is my path to find the beautiful light, geez, i really would rather have been given a different path!    FREEWILL .......a new path maybe???                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

  eli, are u here?

                   Here I go again, after a very hectic morning I finally found a ride to my doctor's appointment.  I have been waiting for this appointment for five months, I seem to have a very rare skin disease the doctors were actually quite excited to have me in, yippee.  I finally arrive 45 minutes late and and I still agreed to see me, 45 minutes waiting in the exam room, 10 minutes with the doctors.  Just to find out that they would have to run a battery of tests, that are  very painful, time consuming and pricey.  So, asked to when was the last time I had any testing done and I told them about 5 to 8 years ago and they said go find the old records and we'll use those.  What a waste of Frickin time, this whole day has been.  The beginning of hanukkah, zevies birthday, and my father's yartzit.  What do I do, panic about getting to a doctor's appointment was a complete waste of time and energy.  Enough already, stop wasting what precious energy and time I have.

                                        

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

              Another day, another blog, same issues.  Today I realized how absolutely ludicrous the United States Health Care System really is.  And this sentence Newt and
                             As you might know I am having hoard problems getting the doctors  to give me the medication I need.  As I've said before, the pain Dr. will not give me the a benzodiazepines I need to stop the 24/7 nonstop spasms and cramping that I have in my muscles and spine.  Benzodiazepines are considered a phyce the drug, he is a pain Dr. not a psychologist.  It is  unethical for him " prescribe a benzo" being that he is a pain specialist, and these medications fall under the auspices of psychology  medications.  So I was sent to a pain psychologist.
                          Turns out that the pain psychologist, i am seeing is not in pain management, and just  ordinary psychologists  Why in god's name did it take eight months for them to tell me that!  Here I am making a fool of myself trying to get medication from a man who does not prescribe for my condition.  The pain Dr. knows as well as most other doctors that one medication can have multiple purposes, the benzo, works not only on the brain  but the entire nervous system.  I am still looking for a pain psychologist, the clinic sent a generic form to some generic place saying in a very generic terms that I need help.  Today I called the clinic and told them that  my Dr. Really does need to help me.  With some more than a generic a letter stating that I need help.  If my Dr. Is not going to speak up for me what chance do I have?  I just can really don't understand why he wouldn't tell the pain psychologist  what it is  he knows I need, they didn't even bother to send in collaborating materials.
                          This has become a year long ordeal, I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to hold up.  If I have never in my life I felt like such a mess.  I think for the first time in my life if I'm actually frightened.

                                cc

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                    Today's blog, this is getting frustrating beyond belief.  Eight weeks ago I started with a new Dr., Because of the new laws he cannot prescribe all the medication and need to properly manage my pain.  That means he can give me the painkillers but not the muscle relaxers, and that means no matter how much pain medicine is the Rhone at me and we'll still be in pretty bad shape.  As long as the muscles keep tightening up and keep spasm and the pain will continue to get worse.  Now you would think that the Dr. would give me help until he can find a Dr. that will, nope not going to happen, I get to suffer and he gets to your me complain.
                          This is so stupid, you have no idea the frustration, the boredom, and pain that I feel.   I am getting scared that depression is not far behind.  There's no reason on this earth I should not be doing things, and we have no rights, no one is out there yelling let us have a quality life.
                         I would really like to take a shower right now, but there's no one here willing to help me get into the tub.  So either I'd try it alone or I wait another 3 to 4 weeks, it has already been three weeks since it had a proper shower.  The frustration is beyond anything anyone: could imagine.  And I'm tired of waiting here, so off I go to try and shower.
                       Wish me luck, hope I'm back soon, not in a hospital.  By for the moment.
       

                           What is really important
                                 I've come to realize that I really am happiest when I am writing.  I also feel pretty good when I am taking care of myself.  It suddenly dawned on me that I am perceived as
an object, a thing to be repaired, or a a person is  broken or doesn't the function properly or, on and on and on.  But is not true at all, I am a person first and foremost, when in the  hospital or doctor's office or even the pharmacy I understand why I am treated as an illness or a broken state of being.

                               When it comes to family and friends I really and don't like being treated as something broken that needs to be fixed. Over the years I tried and really hard to keep up appearances,  I have noticed recently that I've allowed their attitudes of me to influence my own.  At first I would get up every day get dressed, clean house and, cook dinner.  I also tried very hard to parent my children.  No one ever  noticed , it didn't seem to make much of a difference, eventually I began to stop doing that things that made me feel like a person.Now I  am an object.  Well I'm taking myself back, I am doing the things I need to do to feel  as a person . Stop objectifying myself, I would dress up every day no matter how painful. One, it was important for me, two, it was important for those around me to see me as a person.  Slowly slowly with all the trials and tribulations they started giving that up.  It seems  the easiest thing to give up is yourself.   now I've gotten to appoint where I've become an object and no longer  a person.
                                 I've come up with a plan,  I always seem to be coming up with plans.  But then that would make sense, since the energies around me are always in the state of fluctuation.  So the new plan, take back myself, now I must also work within the confines  of my body's ability to function.  So, I can write, I can somewhat read, I can help others home who suffer some kind of pain, I can make jewelry when my eyes allow me to see.  O' and I am able to move with a lot of limitations.  
                            I've begin writing, and making jewelry can when I can see, and sit.  I've started getting dressed every day, even putting on my face.  I am writing not just this blog but a book as well.  I am even learning French!  This is my start to becoming a person again and not an object. 
                           Not an object, a person                                                                

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                             

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

 OUT OF PROPORTION;                              Hello, I was not going to blow and today in just two upset, as you might have noticed life with physical handicaps can be at the best of times challenging.  Today, something quite ordinary happened, some how someone hacked into my computer, went into the pay pal account and and took off all my money out of my bank account.  That is really frightening, never mind and that my son's birthday and it is in a few days.  Now I realize that this is an ordinary problem, even if it is frightening.  With everything else, all the other multitude of issues, this is overwhelming beyond normalcy.

                           I should not be up all night long angst ridden because someone has taken money out of my bank account.  Everything becomes overly difficult and takes on a significance entirely out of proportion, when you spend your days in pain coping with nothing but problems, everything takes on an importance way beyond the actual issue.  Not entirely true, and there are issues of great importance.

What I'm saying is that we're constantly being bombarded with problems, while in pain, so that even the smallest the problem becomes large and well out of                                                                                                                                                                     OUT OF PROPORTION;                              Hello, I was not going to blog today I was  just two upset, as you might have noticed life with physical handicaps can be at the best of times challenging.  Today, something quite ordinary happened, some how someone hacked into my computer, went into the pay pal account and and took out all my money from  my bank account.  That is really frightening, never mind and that my son's birthday and it is in a few days.  Now I realize that this is an ordinary problem, even if it is frightening.  With everything else, all the other multitude of issues, this is overwhelming beyond normal. 

                           I should not be up all night long angst ridden because someone has taken money out of my bank account.  Everything becomes overly difficult and becomes significantly, entirely out of proportion, When you spend your days in pain coping with nothing but problems, everything takes on an importance way beyond the actual issue.  Not entirely true, and there are issues of great importance.
What I'm saying is that we're constantly being bombarded with problems, while in pain, so that even the smallest the problem becomes large and well out of proportion.                                                                                                                                                                    
bank account.  Everything becomes overly difficult and takes on a significance entirely out of proportion, when you spend your days in pain coping with nothing but problems, everything takes on an importance way beyond the actual issue.  Not entirely true, and there are issues of great importance.
What I'm saying is that we're constantly being bombarded with problems, while in pain, so that even the smallest problem becomes large and well out of proportion.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    .                                                                                                                                                                    

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                      This too shall pass

Once again I get to complain about the doctors.  This has been going on for so long, I am beyond board with it.  All these new laws that have come into effect, have put my medications in the same category as cocaine and meth.  As I've said before, drugs take away from the quality of your life, whereas medications add to the quality of life.  So how do they reconcile calling my medication a drug.  Without my " drugs" I would have no quality of life.  I would be lying in a bed screaming day and night, until it all became too much and I just ended it, to put it politely.  The pain Dr. Is giving me plenty of pain medication however he will not prescribe medications that are in the category of psych.                                                                                                                        meds.  If the medical board looks at him they will ask why is a pain Dr. and prescribing psych medications?  The answer is easy, every medication has more than one purpose, the medication that I need that falls under the category of  psych medication when in fact it helps more with my pain than most pain medications.  So, my Physician can not write a prescription the for a medication, even though he knows it will stop the horrid spasms, because it is a psych med.  Now I am trying to get in to see a psychologist, it can be a 3 to 6 month wait to get in.  And to make it even better when I called my pain doctor's office the nurse informed me that I've been calling too much and I was about to be thrown out of the clinic.  She thought I was trying to get the pain Dr. To give me the anti spasm   medication,I was calling to tell her that I could not get in to see the psychologist.  When in fact I was calling each time to tell her about a problem I was having getting or filling a prescription and that he wrote.  This is becoming a comedy of errors, only I'm not laughing, I am lying here in my bedroom, sometimes in my own feces, sometimes in my own tears, coping with having to call doctors and pharmacies from morning until night, rarely do I laugh.  Don't get me wrong, I try, it's just getting harder and harder.  And now they telling me to call them back so we can see what's going on with the psych doc.  This is complete lunacy I am about ready to beg for a 72 hold, at least then I could get out of my bed and I could get the medications I need.  Now isn't that just that a sad state of affairs, because my medications are now called " drugs".to make it even better when I called my pain doctor's office the nurse informed me that I've been calling too much and I was about to be thrown out of the clinic.  She thought I was trying to get the pain Dr. To give me the anti spam   medication,I was calling to tell her that I could not get in to see the psychologist.  When in fact I was calling each time to tell her about a problem I was having getting or filling a prescription and that he wrote.  This is becoming a comedy of errors, only I'm not laughing, I am lying here in my bedroom, sometimes in my own feces, sometimes in my own tears, coping with having to call doctors and pharmacies from morning until night, rarely do I laugh.  Don't get me wrong, I try, it's just getting harder and harder.  And now they telling me to call them back so we can see what's going on with the psych doc.  This is complete lunacy I am about ready to beg for a 72 hold, at least then I could get out of my bed and I could get the medications I need.  Now isn't that just that a sad state of affairs, because my medications are now caleed " drugs".I've been calling too much and I was about to be thrown out of the clinic.  She thought I was trying to get the pain Dr. To give me the anti spasm   medication,I was calling to tell her that I could not get in to see the psychologist.  When in fact I was calling each time to tell her about a problem I was having getting or filling a prescription and that he wrote.  This is becoming a comedy of errors, only I'm not laughing, I am lying here in my bedroom, sometimes in my own feces, sometimes in my own tears, coping with having to call doctors and pharmacies from morning until night, rarely do I laugh nymore.  Don't get me wrong, I try, it's just getting harder and harder.  And now they telling me to call them back so we can see what's going on with the psych doc.  This is complete lunacy I am about ready to beg for a 72 hold, at least then I could get out of my bed and I get the medications I need.  Now isn't that just that a sad state of affairs, because my medications are now caleed " drugs".

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Humiliation this too shall pass
                            I've been writing this bog so that people can understand and see what people with disabilities must sometimes go through just trying to exist.

                              The other night I woke up to a horrid stench.  I realized that it was me, in my sleep in the middle of the night I had defecated all over myself having little control over my body.  I got up out of bed and,  began removing my close, not an easy thing to do.  Then I had to clean it all up, crying, humiliated, devastated and began to work.  First the floors, then my body, and  my shoes, it would seem I had also released my bladder as I was cleaning.  I am 50, not five, NOT 105, 50!  At least this time it was my own and not some friends who did not have a home.  The pain caused by all this work has made it impossible for me to move today.  So now I lay here crying and humiliated.  It's a really hard to continue on minute each day is just another struggle.  I don't remember the last time I went out of the house to have fun, it is always to a doctor's appointment.  This by far has been the worst blog I've ever had to write.  I pray to g-d I never have to write one like this again.  People with body issues carry many secrets we try to pretend that where Normal, the world prefers to see us that way.

Most of the time I've written about the problems with other entities that we encounter on a regular basis and that cause us constant anguish.  This time I have given you a peak into all were secret life.  But this too shall pass! 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                                                                                                                

I was already today to start talking about  getting out of the hell I have been living in for four years.  I was so excited,  peace and joy had plainly entered my world.  And then it all came crashing in.  Once again the doctors through me for a loop, just when I think it's all over I have the medicines I need so I can play and  have a life again, one Dr. Just one refuses to give me the one medication I need so that all the rest will work.  So I decide to be proactive and call the doctor's office, I was asking for the name of their Dr., To go there and get what I need.  Only to be told that I am calling and bothering them too much and I will be thrown out of the clinic.  O come up on, the doctors don't do their job or the nurses I am told to do it for them than I am accused of calling too much.  Why don't they do their job so I don't have to, I'm not getting paid they are, but yet every time there's a problem I am told to fix it.  Now, I am being a pain, this is all just too much.  I was feeling such tranquility this morning, now again I am ready to pull my hair out.  I am so upset right now, I can't even continue writing.  When you think your in  Heaven and hell comes crashing back in it is overwhelming all consuming.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Today I'm going to talk about the state in which people in the United States of America treat each other.  I find it appalling that so many people in this country place a greater importance on things rather than on people.  He who has the most toys still dies.  People who have love never die.  In some ways I am thankful for my physical state of being, I have had to let go of the physical world more and more all the time.  So why am I still here, it is love and compassion that keep me going, give me a reason to look forward to a future.  It is love and only love that allows me to have hope for my future, the future of my children and the and the fate of my children's children.  This country has become obsessed with fixing, things, and people, as if they are broken, we are whole human beings, we just have bodies that do not work correctly, bodies are but shells.  There's nothing wrong with me other than my body, yet I am treated as if my entire being is broken.  I am so tired of not being wanted anywhere, and treated as if I am a burden.  I did not choose to be this way, but since I am I am making the best of it.  I have learned many lessons, I have felt pain deeper than anyone could ever imagine, I know what hell is.  I have been there many times, but I've also come back many times.  Each time I come back it is sweeter and sweeter, the love that I can feel, the joy, the simple pleasure of just being it is something I might never know if my body were not in this state.  I don't know if I would be aware of how unimportant it is to chase after things,  the only thing worth chasing is love.  Showing, telling, and behaving in a loving manner is really the only thing that counts in this existence.  Everything else is transitory, love between two human beings is not.  Even after we're gone the love that we have for others continues on,in the manner in which we have treated others it still lives on in their hearts and in their actions.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

The out This will be my first time the blogging using voice recognition.  This might be a bit strange and as I have never spoken into a computer before.  Today, I would like to talk about the usage of the emergency room.  Yesterday I called my primary Physician was a problem, I told him that my foot had turned black and blue for a second time.  He told me to go immediately to the emergency room, when I read when I got there is a staff was angry that I even bothered to come in.  They saw me as a big waste their Time &Energy.
                           The night before I had been blogging for many hours I tried to stand up and fell on the floor and the pain was excruciating.  So I also mentioned that to my primary and they said definitely go to the emergency room.
                           It turns out that with the new laws the emergency rooms will no longer treat for pain.  In the end I wasted a lot of my lfl but that the out energy and time and the energy time and emergency room.  I've even had the nerve to bleed on a nurse, boy was he mad at me.  In the end, they kicked me out of their after an hour and did nothing for me.  My ride could not get their for another hour, the nurses were really angry then.  I would not leave the room because I had to lay down and could not sit.  All and all it was a complete waste of my precious energy and the insurance companies money.  I am so angry at what is going on today in health Care System, everyone is afraid to touch someone in chronic pain.  The real problem is not that I'm in chronic pain, it is that I'd do not have anything left of my spine.  I am tired of being labeled as a chronic pain patient.  Chronic pain is not the issue, my back is the issue.  But we've all been nicely put into a box called chronic pain.