THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                                                                                                     Burdens,  never mind not right now
                               I think every person in my situation feels like a burden at one time or another.  If it's a horrible feeling when you're young or relatively so to be dependent on others for most of your needs.  As I just said in the beginning never mind, I have a change of heart, woman's prerogative you know.
                              I have spent so much Time &Energy in my life hearing in seeing my ineptitude's, my faults, and any and all in equities I could think of right now.  I had a change of heart, it's time I begin seeing to what others, those who love care about me see.  It can be really hard at times when you have so many problems to see to feel anything positive in or about yourself.  As I said, it's time to begin seeing what other see.  And there are so many people out there who tell me how much they love me, or how much they care about me.  I hear them tell me very positive things about myself, but I don't think I really hear.  To really hear something involves taking it inside, taking it to heart and to and really begin to see and feel what they're saying.  Because when I listen to other people who have a positive attitude about me I am not such a bad person.  I am actually fairly capable, semi intelligent and, sometimes I'm even fun to be around.  I am going to start seeing myself in that way as much as possible, always looking at things wrong, what needs to be fixed, or what needs to be corrected, because I'm not broken,it is not  helping me.  I also know that, that kind of attitude makes me a lot happier and does help promote healing.  Since I am fortunate enough to have people like that in my life than I might as well start listening.  And stop and hearing all the negativity and I am constantly hearing.  So from now on as much as I can I am going to try to concentrate on my positive attributes. 
  

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                                                                    Trust
                              I don't understand how people can think that any kind of relationship would work without trust.  Those little white lies people tell, leaving out a piece of the story or not telling the story and all, those are all lies.  Eventually the truth does come out usually in a twisted manner.  My caregiver  decides sometimes not tell me things, then they come out  twisted or sideways.  It's bad enough to be dependent on someone who does not want you to depend on them, but  to be lied to on top of it has become unbearable.  The anger and hostilities and so are so thick you can cut them with a knife.  So the breakdown of trust and leads to hostility which leads to resentment which leads to failure.  I don't know about any one else out there,  I have so had enough.  My body makes my life hard enough, without having those who are closest to me, doubt me, lie to me  or constantly complaining about everything.  I think all this twisting of the truth, ends up becoming a lot of anger and resentment.
                      It seems all these people who love me, from far away, who all decided that I'm lying, manipulative, and any other word you can think of.  I really can't take any more of it.  Between my body being a bundle of nerves, and my head spinning around, my heart can not take any more.  Last night as my favorite night of the year, and I laid here alone, scared, confused.  Isn't it really a enough already, a person can only take so much. 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I think the hardest part in all of this if as that I have so little patience.  Once upon a time I had an abundance, and but it's gone,  I pray one day I  get it back.  Things would rarely bother me, if they did I could easily distract myself and move on.  But when you're living right on the edge all the time there's not a lot of room for play.  I feel like my nerves are on the out side.  Even speech recognition just to took 5 minutes to understand the word out, it just did it again.  Come on now how hard can these simple things be? Right now they seem insurmountable, that one the machine gets right.  my patients is being tried and I am failing.  It takes so much energy to control myself it's ridiculous, this should not be so hard.  I don't think the doctors really take their jobs seriously, I know they have no idea how much of an impact they have over the quality of our lives.  To them what is a week or a month?  It's only a bit of time,  to people who do not have a chronic disease, time goes fairly fast.  I
    

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                        Happy HANNACRISTMAKWANZA the American holiday.
                  This blog is one of the hardest I've had to write, I've been up for two days and so upset that I couldn't even write.  That's never happened before, I will always been able to express myself to a clean sheet of paper.  Not this time, and for some reason I've just had to sit alone with my feelings and thoughts.  It is so difficult to deal with the pressures of this time of year, but a specially in my condition.  I've been trying to explain what is going in with my body and how that impacts what happens with my emotions and then my personality.
               I have so many pinched nerves inside, that I feel like one giant ball of nerves.  So when something happens that can get on your nerves it does, literally.  Over the past two years many people have walked away from me.  Not having a clue what is going on with  me or why, most have just passed judgment talked about me behind my back and booked.  No one bothered to find out at the medications they had just put me on so I could regain my eyesight were actually, literally making me crazy.  No one bothered to find out that my potassium had been so low I should not be here now.  No one bothered to find out that when the chair I said in broke and I fell right on my tail bone that actually broke it again, after 10 surgeries in that spot, I broke it again.  Lucky for me I found a new primary who took the time to figure out what was going on.
                    So now I know what has been happening to me for the past two years and why my behavior has not been my own, well it is my own, but not my normal one.  After being nothing but any emotional wreck for two years and trying really hard not to take it out on others, but it happened, and most walked away.  And those that stuck around and did not make my life much easier, calling my reasons for my behavior excuses or not taking responsibility.  Of course I take responsibility, they don't hear that though.  All they hear me saying is that I am not responsible because of my physical condition.  I don't think I have ever said I'm sorry so much in my life, I probably said it more in the past two years than I have in my entire life.  But to no one understands, very few or even trying to listen.  Keeping secrets trying to protect me, but they always come out.  And when they do come out its sideways or backwards and then I feel betrayed as well as deceived and of course misunderstood and an area alone.
                 I really don't know what to do anymore, I have had enough, I don't want to try anymore.  The anger and resentment that is being slung at me is too much, literally and figuratively.  I am sure they don't much like it either.  Everyone is tired of me they've had a enough.  Their anger their resentment and are judgments are to much.  My nerves can not take it, not on a physical a level, not on a mental level, and it definitely not on an emotional level.  My the holidays are fun.


 

 

                              I have many voices, I have many names, I have been here many times before.
                                 Maybe, here's another treasure found in my life.  Without my life being the way it is, I would have missed out on so many beautiful treasures.  Of course  there are the problems, leaving those aside, we have much happier things to experience right now.  Tonight light a fire and ask that ( light return to war world, wow, speech recognition just wrote by itself the word wake up the if it, O M G.)  Tonight we light a fire and asked that light returned to our world.  In doing so we're asking that life be brought back, the light from our s sun will do the hard work, we get to do the easy part, as if.  Everything is a cycle, at each cycle we have a choice on how to deal with the things that will come around again.  Do we want to do them in the same way we did before or do we want to do than differently?  The choice is ours to make.  Looking deep inside myself, by myself, with myself, I can see.  What do I see?  I see a world in pain, not just my own kind but in many in many different kinds, we can heal any time... we choose.....
                           Will we continue to react and the same way or will we choose a new way?  I hope and I pray for myself for my family for my friends for my community for my humanity, that we all working together supporting each other, will help transform this is rock we live on into something that we're proud to call our collective own, something we're proud and to pass on to the coming generations.  Our legacy what will it look like, what will it say about us and our attitudes.  Again they pray and that we have the strength, and wisdom, to carry forward in a righteous thunder(speech recog.again) respectful, loving and truly caring I mean truly not just the stuff we say and blow off I am talking about truly caring from the heart no matter what happens.
                         So the question is treasure in my life.........  The chance to spend time whether I chose it or not it was given to me, I've been given the chance to spend time with myself, by myself and for myself.  What a great gift if you think about it,and tonight I really want to think about it.  This is my present at the festival of lights tonight.
                         Please go with a light as much as you can whenever you can, I find it hiding in my heart quite often when looking inside, the sun and stars, northern lights.  This light is such a precious gift I hope you're able to feel and enjoy it.LYNN A. Sara Lyron Rubenstein Nicholson, LIGHT AND PEACE~~SHALOM, come and leave in peace.  An
I have many voices, I have many names, I have been here many times before.
                              present at the festival of lights tonight.
                         Please go with a light as much as you can whenever you can, I find it hiding in my heart quite often can.  This light is such a precious gift I hope you're able to feel and enjoy it. Lynn    Sara Lyron Rubenstein Nicholson, LIGHT AND PEACE~~SHALOM, come and leave in peace.  An
I have many voices, I have many names, I have been here many times before.
                           It seems that my pain......is my path to find the beautiful light, geez, i really would rather have been given a different path!    FREEWILL .......a new path maybe???                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

  eli, are u here?

                   Here I go again, after a very hectic morning I finally found a ride to my doctor's appointment.  I have been waiting for this appointment for five months, I seem to have a very rare skin disease the doctors were actually quite excited to have me in, yippee.  I finally arrive 45 minutes late and and I still agreed to see me, 45 minutes waiting in the exam room, 10 minutes with the doctors.  Just to find out that they would have to run a battery of tests, that are  very painful, time consuming and pricey.  So, asked to when was the last time I had any testing done and I told them about 5 to 8 years ago and they said go find the old records and we'll use those.  What a waste of Frickin time, this whole day has been.  The beginning of hanukkah, zevies birthday, and my father's yartzit.  What do I do, panic about getting to a doctor's appointment was a complete waste of time and energy.  Enough already, stop wasting what precious energy and time I have.

                                        

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

              Another day, another blog, same issues.  Today I realized how absolutely ludicrous the United States Health Care System really is.  And this sentence Newt and
                             As you might know I am having hoard problems getting the doctors  to give me the medication I need.  As I've said before, the pain Dr. will not give me the a benzodiazepines I need to stop the 24/7 nonstop spasms and cramping that I have in my muscles and spine.  Benzodiazepines are considered a phyce the drug, he is a pain Dr. not a psychologist.  It is  unethical for him " prescribe a benzo" being that he is a pain specialist, and these medications fall under the auspices of psychology  medications.  So I was sent to a pain psychologist.
                          Turns out that the pain psychologist, i am seeing is not in pain management, and just  ordinary psychologists  Why in god's name did it take eight months for them to tell me that!  Here I am making a fool of myself trying to get medication from a man who does not prescribe for my condition.  The pain Dr. knows as well as most other doctors that one medication can have multiple purposes, the benzo, works not only on the brain  but the entire nervous system.  I am still looking for a pain psychologist, the clinic sent a generic form to some generic place saying in a very generic terms that I need help.  Today I called the clinic and told them that  my Dr. Really does need to help me.  With some more than a generic a letter stating that I need help.  If my Dr. Is not going to speak up for me what chance do I have?  I just can really don't understand why he wouldn't tell the pain psychologist  what it is  he knows I need, they didn't even bother to send in collaborating materials.
                          This has become a year long ordeal, I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to hold up.  If I have never in my life I felt like such a mess.  I think for the first time in my life if I'm actually frightened.

                                cc

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                    Today's blog, this is getting frustrating beyond belief.  Eight weeks ago I started with a new Dr., Because of the new laws he cannot prescribe all the medication and need to properly manage my pain.  That means he can give me the painkillers but not the muscle relaxers, and that means no matter how much pain medicine is the Rhone at me and we'll still be in pretty bad shape.  As long as the muscles keep tightening up and keep spasm and the pain will continue to get worse.  Now you would think that the Dr. would give me help until he can find a Dr. that will, nope not going to happen, I get to suffer and he gets to your me complain.
                          This is so stupid, you have no idea the frustration, the boredom, and pain that I feel.   I am getting scared that depression is not far behind.  There's no reason on this earth I should not be doing things, and we have no rights, no one is out there yelling let us have a quality life.
                         I would really like to take a shower right now, but there's no one here willing to help me get into the tub.  So either I'd try it alone or I wait another 3 to 4 weeks, it has already been three weeks since it had a proper shower.  The frustration is beyond anything anyone: could imagine.  And I'm tired of waiting here, so off I go to try and shower.
                       Wish me luck, hope I'm back soon, not in a hospital.  By for the moment.
       

                           What is really important
                                 I've come to realize that I really am happiest when I am writing.  I also feel pretty good when I am taking care of myself.  It suddenly dawned on me that I am perceived as
an object, a thing to be repaired, or a a person is  broken or doesn't the function properly or, on and on and on.  But is not true at all, I am a person first and foremost, when in the  hospital or doctor's office or even the pharmacy I understand why I am treated as an illness or a broken state of being.

                               When it comes to family and friends I really and don't like being treated as something broken that needs to be fixed. Over the years I tried and really hard to keep up appearances,  I have noticed recently that I've allowed their attitudes of me to influence my own.  At first I would get up every day get dressed, clean house and, cook dinner.  I also tried very hard to parent my children.  No one ever  noticed , it didn't seem to make much of a difference, eventually I began to stop doing that things that made me feel like a person.Now I  am an object.  Well I'm taking myself back, I am doing the things I need to do to feel  as a person . Stop objectifying myself, I would dress up every day no matter how painful. One, it was important for me, two, it was important for those around me to see me as a person.  Slowly slowly with all the trials and tribulations they started giving that up.  It seems  the easiest thing to give up is yourself.   now I've gotten to appoint where I've become an object and no longer  a person.
                                 I've come up with a plan,  I always seem to be coming up with plans.  But then that would make sense, since the energies around me are always in the state of fluctuation.  So the new plan, take back myself, now I must also work within the confines  of my body's ability to function.  So, I can write, I can somewhat read, I can help others home who suffer some kind of pain, I can make jewelry when my eyes allow me to see.  O' and I am able to move with a lot of limitations.  
                            I've begin writing, and making jewelry can when I can see, and sit.  I've started getting dressed every day, even putting on my face.  I am writing not just this blog but a book as well.  I am even learning French!  This is my start to becoming a person again and not an object. 
                           Not an object, a person                                                                

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                             

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

 OUT OF PROPORTION;                              Hello, I was not going to blow and today in just two upset, as you might have noticed life with physical handicaps can be at the best of times challenging.  Today, something quite ordinary happened, some how someone hacked into my computer, went into the pay pal account and and took off all my money out of my bank account.  That is really frightening, never mind and that my son's birthday and it is in a few days.  Now I realize that this is an ordinary problem, even if it is frightening.  With everything else, all the other multitude of issues, this is overwhelming beyond normalcy.

                           I should not be up all night long angst ridden because someone has taken money out of my bank account.  Everything becomes overly difficult and takes on a significance entirely out of proportion, when you spend your days in pain coping with nothing but problems, everything takes on an importance way beyond the actual issue.  Not entirely true, and there are issues of great importance.

What I'm saying is that we're constantly being bombarded with problems, while in pain, so that even the smallest the problem becomes large and well out of                                                                                                                                                                     OUT OF PROPORTION;                              Hello, I was not going to blog today I was  just two upset, as you might have noticed life with physical handicaps can be at the best of times challenging.  Today, something quite ordinary happened, some how someone hacked into my computer, went into the pay pal account and and took out all my money from  my bank account.  That is really frightening, never mind and that my son's birthday and it is in a few days.  Now I realize that this is an ordinary problem, even if it is frightening.  With everything else, all the other multitude of issues, this is overwhelming beyond normal. 

                           I should not be up all night long angst ridden because someone has taken money out of my bank account.  Everything becomes overly difficult and becomes significantly, entirely out of proportion, When you spend your days in pain coping with nothing but problems, everything takes on an importance way beyond the actual issue.  Not entirely true, and there are issues of great importance.
What I'm saying is that we're constantly being bombarded with problems, while in pain, so that even the smallest the problem becomes large and well out of proportion.                                                                                                                                                                    
bank account.  Everything becomes overly difficult and takes on a significance entirely out of proportion, when you spend your days in pain coping with nothing but problems, everything takes on an importance way beyond the actual issue.  Not entirely true, and there are issues of great importance.
What I'm saying is that we're constantly being bombarded with problems, while in pain, so that even the smallest problem becomes large and well out of proportion.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    .                                                                                                                                                                    

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                      This too shall pass

Once again I get to complain about the doctors.  This has been going on for so long, I am beyond board with it.  All these new laws that have come into effect, have put my medications in the same category as cocaine and meth.  As I've said before, drugs take away from the quality of your life, whereas medications add to the quality of life.  So how do they reconcile calling my medication a drug.  Without my " drugs" I would have no quality of life.  I would be lying in a bed screaming day and night, until it all became too much and I just ended it, to put it politely.  The pain Dr. Is giving me plenty of pain medication however he will not prescribe medications that are in the category of psych.                                                                                                                        meds.  If the medical board looks at him they will ask why is a pain Dr. and prescribing psych medications?  The answer is easy, every medication has more than one purpose, the medication that I need that falls under the category of  psych medication when in fact it helps more with my pain than most pain medications.  So, my Physician can not write a prescription the for a medication, even though he knows it will stop the horrid spasms, because it is a psych med.  Now I am trying to get in to see a psychologist, it can be a 3 to 6 month wait to get in.  And to make it even better when I called my pain doctor's office the nurse informed me that I've been calling too much and I was about to be thrown out of the clinic.  She thought I was trying to get the pain Dr. To give me the anti spasm   medication,I was calling to tell her that I could not get in to see the psychologist.  When in fact I was calling each time to tell her about a problem I was having getting or filling a prescription and that he wrote.  This is becoming a comedy of errors, only I'm not laughing, I am lying here in my bedroom, sometimes in my own feces, sometimes in my own tears, coping with having to call doctors and pharmacies from morning until night, rarely do I laugh.  Don't get me wrong, I try, it's just getting harder and harder.  And now they telling me to call them back so we can see what's going on with the psych doc.  This is complete lunacy I am about ready to beg for a 72 hold, at least then I could get out of my bed and I could get the medications I need.  Now isn't that just that a sad state of affairs, because my medications are now called " drugs".to make it even better when I called my pain doctor's office the nurse informed me that I've been calling too much and I was about to be thrown out of the clinic.  She thought I was trying to get the pain Dr. To give me the anti spam   medication,I was calling to tell her that I could not get in to see the psychologist.  When in fact I was calling each time to tell her about a problem I was having getting or filling a prescription and that he wrote.  This is becoming a comedy of errors, only I'm not laughing, I am lying here in my bedroom, sometimes in my own feces, sometimes in my own tears, coping with having to call doctors and pharmacies from morning until night, rarely do I laugh.  Don't get me wrong, I try, it's just getting harder and harder.  And now they telling me to call them back so we can see what's going on with the psych doc.  This is complete lunacy I am about ready to beg for a 72 hold, at least then I could get out of my bed and I could get the medications I need.  Now isn't that just that a sad state of affairs, because my medications are now caleed " drugs".I've been calling too much and I was about to be thrown out of the clinic.  She thought I was trying to get the pain Dr. To give me the anti spasm   medication,I was calling to tell her that I could not get in to see the psychologist.  When in fact I was calling each time to tell her about a problem I was having getting or filling a prescription and that he wrote.  This is becoming a comedy of errors, only I'm not laughing, I am lying here in my bedroom, sometimes in my own feces, sometimes in my own tears, coping with having to call doctors and pharmacies from morning until night, rarely do I laugh nymore.  Don't get me wrong, I try, it's just getting harder and harder.  And now they telling me to call them back so we can see what's going on with the psych doc.  This is complete lunacy I am about ready to beg for a 72 hold, at least then I could get out of my bed and I get the medications I need.  Now isn't that just that a sad state of affairs, because my medications are now caleed " drugs".

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Humiliation this too shall pass
                            I've been writing this bog so that people can understand and see what people with disabilities must sometimes go through just trying to exist.

                              The other night I woke up to a horrid stench.  I realized that it was me, in my sleep in the middle of the night I had defecated all over myself having little control over my body.  I got up out of bed and,  began removing my close, not an easy thing to do.  Then I had to clean it all up, crying, humiliated, devastated and began to work.  First the floors, then my body, and  my shoes, it would seem I had also released my bladder as I was cleaning.  I am 50, not five, NOT 105, 50!  At least this time it was my own and not some friends who did not have a home.  The pain caused by all this work has made it impossible for me to move today.  So now I lay here crying and humiliated.  It's a really hard to continue on minute each day is just another struggle.  I don't remember the last time I went out of the house to have fun, it is always to a doctor's appointment.  This by far has been the worst blog I've ever had to write.  I pray to g-d I never have to write one like this again.  People with body issues carry many secrets we try to pretend that where Normal, the world prefers to see us that way.

Most of the time I've written about the problems with other entities that we encounter on a regular basis and that cause us constant anguish.  This time I have given you a peak into all were secret life.  But this too shall pass! 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                                                                                                                                

I was already today to start talking about  getting out of the hell I have been living in for four years.  I was so excited,  peace and joy had plainly entered my world.  And then it all came crashing in.  Once again the doctors through me for a loop, just when I think it's all over I have the medicines I need so I can play and  have a life again, one Dr. Just one refuses to give me the one medication I need so that all the rest will work.  So I decide to be proactive and call the doctor's office, I was asking for the name of their Dr., To go there and get what I need.  Only to be told that I am calling and bothering them too much and I will be thrown out of the clinic.  O come up on, the doctors don't do their job or the nurses I am told to do it for them than I am accused of calling too much.  Why don't they do their job so I don't have to, I'm not getting paid they are, but yet every time there's a problem I am told to fix it.  Now, I am being a pain, this is all just too much.  I was feeling such tranquility this morning, now again I am ready to pull my hair out.  I am so upset right now, I can't even continue writing.  When you think your in  Heaven and hell comes crashing back in it is overwhelming all consuming.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Today I'm going to talk about the state in which people in the United States of America treat each other.  I find it appalling that so many people in this country place a greater importance on things rather than on people.  He who has the most toys still dies.  People who have love never die.  In some ways I am thankful for my physical state of being, I have had to let go of the physical world more and more all the time.  So why am I still here, it is love and compassion that keep me going, give me a reason to look forward to a future.  It is love and only love that allows me to have hope for my future, the future of my children and the and the fate of my children's children.  This country has become obsessed with fixing, things, and people, as if they are broken, we are whole human beings, we just have bodies that do not work correctly, bodies are but shells.  There's nothing wrong with me other than my body, yet I am treated as if my entire being is broken.  I am so tired of not being wanted anywhere, and treated as if I am a burden.  I did not choose to be this way, but since I am I am making the best of it.  I have learned many lessons, I have felt pain deeper than anyone could ever imagine, I know what hell is.  I have been there many times, but I've also come back many times.  Each time I come back it is sweeter and sweeter, the love that I can feel, the joy, the simple pleasure of just being it is something I might never know if my body were not in this state.  I don't know if I would be aware of how unimportant it is to chase after things,  the only thing worth chasing is love.  Showing, telling, and behaving in a loving manner is really the only thing that counts in this existence.  Everything else is transitory, love between two human beings is not.  Even after we're gone the love that we have for others continues on,in the manner in which we have treated others it still lives on in their hearts and in their actions.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

The out This will be my first time the blogging using voice recognition.  This might be a bit strange and as I have never spoken into a computer before.  Today, I would like to talk about the usage of the emergency room.  Yesterday I called my primary Physician was a problem, I told him that my foot had turned black and blue for a second time.  He told me to go immediately to the emergency room, when I read when I got there is a staff was angry that I even bothered to come in.  They saw me as a big waste their Time &Energy.
                           The night before I had been blogging for many hours I tried to stand up and fell on the floor and the pain was excruciating.  So I also mentioned that to my primary and they said definitely go to the emergency room.
                           It turns out that with the new laws the emergency rooms will no longer treat for pain.  In the end I wasted a lot of my lfl but that the out energy and time and the energy time and emergency room.  I've even had the nerve to bleed on a nurse, boy was he mad at me.  In the end, they kicked me out of their after an hour and did nothing for me.  My ride could not get their for another hour, the nurses were really angry then.  I would not leave the room because I had to lay down and could not sit.  All and all it was a complete waste of my precious energy and the insurance companies money.  I am so angry at what is going on today in health Care System, everyone is afraid to touch someone in chronic pain.  The real problem is not that I'm in chronic pain, it is that I'd do not have anything left of my spine.  I am tired of being labeled as a chronic pain patient.  Chronic pain is not the issue, my back is the issue.  But we've all been nicely put into a box called chronic pain. 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                         This will be my 5th writing of this blog, so it better be good by now!   When I go into the doctors office I always feel a bit crowded. There should be me and my doctor in there, right.....wrong! There is an entire crowd in there, me and my doctor, the insurance company, the pharmacy, and the government of the United States. It can be very hard to get proper care with so many entities stuffed in those small, tiny rooms. The doctor can not treat as he/she sees fit.  I do not blame them at all, with so many eyes judging , I would worry too.           So, let see how many of these entities we can get in the game, just for little ol’e me. The insurance companies, they just want to keep cost down by any means possible, if they thought about our care,their costs would go down in the long run, but no to short sighted. The pharmacy has the option to fill or not to fill ( that is the question) and what kind to fill. There is now glue a binder, in our medication to keep people from using it improperly, ah come on, I learned in kindergarten not to eat glue!  Then we come to the government of these United States, new laws bind the hands of our providers, not allowing them the freedom to prescribe as they deem necessary. Each medication is classified and there can be no variance in prescribing even though it is common knowledge that a medication does have more than one use.    Then there is the computer...... a huge, gargantuan machine, the size of two football fields and 8 stories high ( in my mind anyway). The purpose of such a thing......to track us and the doctors, on who, what, when, why and quantity.  Tracking us, observed, even school children have the right not to be tracked, it is illegal! Why are we smarter and have more rights at 6 than 56?  In one fail swoop this computer has taken away my, our civil rights. What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Again out the proverbial window.   The right to live comfortably, free of pain ( pain does kill) is now gone, the patients bill of rights has been tossed out the window. Our right to privacy, remember HIPPA, gone. Even though we still sign a paper to release information,  it’s a sham, a travesty of justice.  This time it is down the drain along with the baby.  My medication is now called a drug. Is insulin for a diabetic called a drug, or the steroids for an asthmatic refereed to as a drug? No, these are called medications.  Drugs diminish the quality of a persons life, medications enhance it. I am not a drug addict, I am however physically dependent just as the diabetic and the asthmatic.    What I, we want are the proper medications at the proper dose, and my, our rights back......to give us a quality   life...... without a whole gang sitting in my doctors office with us. Untie our doctor hands so they can properly care for us, and GIVE US A QUALITY LIFE.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

                        There are times when I sit to blog it is as if in the dentist chair.  I have thought long and hard whether I want to continue with this topic. However this blog is as much a part of  me as I of it, this is my voice for now. why do I feel a need for a voice, because I  hurt my body at the age of 10 and have never been heard, even today I am  not heard, everyone knows where MY body is at,  where my head is, what I am feeling, what I need. Amazing how they all know so much, when even I don't know. Eventually it spills over into the rest of my life, there is  apart of me that has nothing to do with pain. When a  person is injured at such a young age, not many people seem to take the time to listen, if they do listen they defiantly know better than you do about what is going on in your body, and what it needs. Granted doctors  have credentials to tell me what they know, or ideas for treatment, but I am the one in this body, I am the one feeling the results of their actions, no matter what my age. Much of the time, most of it, I spend talking, trying so so so hard to get people  to understand, what I am feeling, physically and emotionally. Rarely are they right, yet they know best... how,why, and what it is I need to heal or function. This has been happening for 40 years now I am TOTALLY FRUSTRATED, so many people involved, have the ability to affect the quality of my life. There are a few who do not judge, who accept me as a person, it feels so good when I talk to them. I am a person to them not something broken to be fixed. My blog is my voice without another person judging me. I know a lot of people in this condition. This is why I will continue to blog on pain and the many obstacles we must over come. The world needs to see first hand what,we who are injured, must endure just to have any quality in our lives. We are not addicts, we are however physically dependent, just as someone on steroids or insulin or.......you get the picture. The pills we take are medications, not"drugs" as in the common use of the word. No one would ever subject themselves to all this if they where not truly in great need, I know I would not! I am person, not an object.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

               This too shall pass, why the name of my blog? everything in this universe is transient, even the life giving sun will one day blow it's self out. day by day, month by month and year by year, completely everything, shall pass. life is a circle, we ride round and round, sometimes up sometimes down but always round and around. why do i say this, because everything in our environment is in a constant state of flux. well of course it is, we all see that everything changes. how and why are the questions here, i will use the obvious, every year we experience a changing of seasons, it s a cycle, or a circle.                                                             
in spring everywhere has the smell of rotten leaves, they disintegrate, nourish the ground, bringing in a new sweet smell,a  fresh bright green growth appears. out of the rancid leaves comes the new life of spring.  fresh new life grows into the full plumage of summer. time passes, colors of spring become darker and richer, blossoming until they reach their full glory at the height of summer, the glory of colors, blossoms bursting with goodness from the soil,made up of dead rotten leaves,blossoms feed and sustain us until the cycle returns.  blossoms become even darker, they're filled to the brim,  changing  to many glorious colors of the earth and sun. colors fade into brown, having lived their cycle, they wither away falling to the ground, there they rest through a long frozen winter waiting for the sun to return and warm them, rotting to begin again.      this cycle is the circle of life of our plants, sustaining us through many cycles or circles in our own lives.    thus; THIS TOO SHALL PASS, everything in life passes. ENERGY is constantly flowing.

thiss too shall pass

           THIS WAS WRITTEN OUT OF TOTAL DESPERATION,  a while back the pain and suffering for me and then to others i love was to much.  i am re posting this sad sad letter so others might glimpse at the desperation we, in constant horrid pain, must deal with. THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE;      what to say, i can not hurt those i love,anymore,forgive me. i want t set you free from the burden i have become. to my children and husband i am sorry i can not be strong anymore. the pain has reached my brain. i no longer wish to cause pain to gen ,amzi,and z. it seems the medical community has practiced the wares on me too much for too long. it has gone all terribly wrong. i can not take seeing the destruction  i am causing my babies they deserve MUCH BETTER, a long, happy fulfilling life. it will not happen with ME in it. the only solution  i see left is to remove myself from the equation. I pray with all that i am, forgiven by those old enough, i and that
no more damage is done to those, who hold my heart in their hand. i will always be you i will never leave. to g thank you for my children and amazing father.   Amazi  i can not begin to say how much  i love u , you are my soul,. Z, you are my rock you and are a gentile giant   Amzi i am sorry i can not be the parent u want,  z i am sorry i am putting u through all this          g amzi and z i love you more than life.             take care of eddie  IMMA

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

            after writing about lying, i want to write about another state of being ,love. love, true love, can open your heart, make it sing with joy, lighting a spark that glows brighter than any star, as your spirit soars to unimaginable heights.  love makes you strong, not weak, love lifts you up when you are down.  everything is possible, you are able to over come obstacles you never though you could.you become empowered by the strength of an others combined with that of your own. the trails and tribulations in life roll off like water on a ducks back. when someone believes in and loves you the  fortitude of personality and will, take you were ever your dreams can go.  thank you for your strength and healing.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

              WOW, it seems there are real humans in corporations after all, they really want to help. now the next day, when people are not honest, especially people in places of authority, it makes life so difficult. have you ever noticed that when you are lied to or manipulated not only does your world seem to spin off  balance but you feel crazy? i know i do, someone lies to me and i react accordingly. suddenly nothing is turning out the way it should. it is impossible to say something and expect reality to bend accordingly. in the mean time i am trying my hardest to get a square peg in into a round hole. i think i am crazy, over the years i have learned that when ever i feel this certain craziness, 9 out of 10 times being lied to.   I HATE BEING LIED TO! makes ya crazy.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

          what  crazy day! i went to my new pain doctor for my 2 week check in ,he is really very nice i can actually talk with him, about everything. as he keeps getting more and more of my mri's, ct scans and ex-rays he keeps increasing  the medication dose. he has come up with different ideas other than medication. even those keep changing. he is a sweet a guy really listens, looks at films and explains them, plus he likes to laugh,  IT HAS BEEN A LONG HARD FOUR YEARS, I HAVE WORKED HARD TO FIND THE RIGHT DOCTORS AND GET ANSWERS. so here we are today, in his office and he increased my medication., yeah!! pain is almost under control. now i leave my half empty bottles with him, new scripts in hand.  off we go to the pharmacy,  we drop them off and leave, expecting the medication to be delivered  soon.  for 4 whole hours i allowed my self to take medication and be realtivy free of pain. surprise, surprise, i get a call from the pharmacy..TO EARLY TO FILL!  now i am in a state of shock, this is a whole new script, with an increase, even 6 months ago that meant they had to fill it, not now, all the rules have changed. i am supposed to return to the doc get my meds back and suffer for 2 more weeks, i refuse! in a few hours i will get up and call the insurance company. telling them  that last night i had to call a suicide prevention line, i was not suicidal,yet
but was scared it was coming, that is how bad the pain has been for a month now. telling them i refuse to suffer any more!!! i have worked too long and hard to have this stop me from from haveing a painless time!  after a they have paid for.....come on, really?  if they do not cooperate i will be in the ER every day for the next two weeks keeping ny pain managed. the choice will be theirs, $2500.00 per visit or a few $ on medication, the ER must medicate i have a new medication plan, they are obligated to treat me. IT WILL BE INTESTING TO SEE WHICH THEY CHOOSE

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

up and down around and around i go until old skin flies away, showing a better route, new paths, old memories brighten the way. like a sapling growing stronger, taller each day, many new branches strive to reach sunlight. which branch to take a ride on. or jump from branch to branch taking with the lessons of each. returning to the strength of the trunk drinking the sweet juice of wisdom, from mother earth. she gives strength to every branch to reach his light.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I would like to tell everyone why I am bothering with a book instead of enjoying life when ever i can. i was brought up to believe that, yes i am my brothers keeper. i see my brothers and sisters hurting every day. so much pain , hurt, sorrow, it breaks my heart. how does one go about mending a broken heart, by repair. like our planet in pain right now from abuse and overuse. people, advocates, are doing all they can to heal our broken home. they feel a responsibility to repair the damage. i know we as a group have a chance to mend our broken hearts, in a way never before done. we are the many voices of pain, i for one can no longer tolerate the abuse toward those of us who suffer needlessly. THAT WAS A NICE DREAM, PAINFUL BUT GOOD. seems u always learn the most from painful failures. not that i want to live this way, it just happens. i am ready to slow the learning curve and start doing.~~~ruby

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

    this is ridicules i am a person with rights!! first the insurance companies get into bed with the doctors, telling us what medication we can and can not have, or how many pills we are allowed. HIIPA is now a joke, the government has the right to store our medication scripts in a computer and track us!! Now the

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

      People who have good health do not want to be near people who do not. It wold seem to me that they feel helpless, and frustrated. Then they disappear, not understanding what to do or not what to. I received the most devastating news yet about my spine, one piece is that my spine is narrowing at a rather rapid rate. Here I lay alone, no one around, to even comfort me. I am alone, lost and afraid. Funny, my first surgery there where 20 people there before and after, the staff even asked some to leave, but they would not. At surgery number 10, I was alone, not a soul in sight. Do they think it is easier with time, do they not care anymore, or are they frustrated by the whole thing. Bottom line for me, I am alone in this world trying to optimistically persevere.  I am just plain scared and full of pain! I JUST WANT TO LIVE A LIFE WITH SOME QUALITY.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

   `OR WILL IT? i am beginning to wonder if this will ever get better? i found a new pain management doc last week, he even increased my medication by just a bit but what difference! I  was told to see his partner this week, so i went. No one told me that his partners referral was insufficient. When i got there boy what a surprise!! He did not have enough info to treat me, he did give me enough medicine so I would not die, just want to. although he did lower one from 6 mg per day to .25, that would kill me. I called and pointed this out so it was doubled to 1mg per day! as i said not enough to die, just want to. My new primary just took all my MRI'S CAT SCANS AND EX-RAYS, to 3 spine experts all agreed, i need a fusion of my spine from top to bottom. Which would most likely leave me paralysed, oh and the hole from a 6 year infection is filled with spinal fluid. the hole must be closed but after 10 surgeries the is no tissue left i would end up with a hole. Just what i need, my spine exposed. Now I am stuck at a clinic with a Doctor who does not have any idea how to treat or is too afraid. the new computers that track us have doctors so scared they are afraid to treat, but that is another story. wanting to live, not at all sure how or if.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

   There are so many things I would rather write about, than a life in pain, however that is my reality. The world needs to know what is happening to us,so many people simply exist. Our only interaction with the world is though a never ending world of medical professionals. I live in a world of total and complete isolation! I am that told I am loved, that my presence matters, i do not feel that my survival much matters any more. I am reduced to a body racked in pain waiting to be shown my survival is important, that it is more than mere words. As hard as I might try to move beyond all this find something to hold on to, it becomes harder and harder with each passing day. I do not understand how doctors can allow people to suffer so in good conscience.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

    There are so many things I woould ra

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

   This country is a ship afloat, dead in the water! When laws are passed insuring certain rights, how can the government pass new laws which totally ignore the previous ones? I found in my papers a "patients bill of rights" circa 1998 then came "HIPPA" guaranteeing doctor-patient confidentiality. So how in the world are they able, by law, to instal computers which track every prescription a physican writes to a patient for pain manegment? I understand there is and always will  be a problem with abuse of one kind or another. However the vast majority of people needing pain medication are not abusing the one thing that can give them relife and a quality life! The differance between being an addect and being physically dependet is vast! pain meds are to a person in pain no different than insulin to a dibetic.Just as blood surar to high or low, pain will kill, rapid heart beat elevating the blood pressure or retricting one ability to take a breth.   PAIN MEDICATION IS NOT A CHOICE, it keeps us alive!  To be treated as criminals, guilty before being charged because we want to live is unquestionable!        As I eluluded in beginning; how can the governor, and USA government put in palce somthing that is against the law? violating our doctor - patient rights to confidentiality.  again betaryed by doctors and government!

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

  It is amazing how one persons attitude can affect an others attitude, how they feel about themselves and their abilities. When a persons body does not want to function, no matter what, all that is left is the strengh of will power. Will power, so easily effected by a persons support and the attiududes coming at them. Now after saying that I would really apprciate someone yanking my spine out. Abilities or not it always seems to come down to the pain........COULD I HAVE MY LIFE BACK, PLEASE!

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

This is what i do not get, when there is something wrong in our body, in one place, many other parts love to get involved putting in their 2 cents - I am not tring to make excuses but the domino effaect takes over.e

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

As the title says, this too shall pass! I finally have a good primary, with case manager! that feels so great. I can not put it in nd a pain words. Next I found a pain doctor!!!!!!!!!!!! He is a real doc in a real clnic

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I go inside myself, to find myself, all i am finding is pain. my body our temples on earth is racked. i must go to my soul, that's where i am, this is our gift from above, we came onto this earth with a unique soul. where we reside when the rest has betrayed us, gone, or left. our bodies are temples that house our mind, our spirit,and soul. when that temple crumbles and falls our mind becomes overwhelmed and confused, trying to find a different, a different place to reside, that not being a reality, it must stay, residing within the pain with no way out. we look towards diversion, a deviation to find a recreation that allows us to continue to stay sane even enjoy our existence. our spirit so vulnerable to influence from without and within. everything happening around us, touching us in anyway can effect our spirit. from a gentle breeze,the sweet song of a bird to a loud thunderous voice filled with anger, or the gentle rush of water to the crushing blow of a boulder or fist. one will pick us up lighten our lode, the other will crunch us into repression. from within the voice we use when speaking within can be harsh and critical or soft and warming building, strengthening our resolve or weakening filling us with self doubt , our spirit becomes injured and sore, even bitter if we are not careful. Wounded we persevere as best we can. unless lucky enough to avoid pain wroth upon us by simply existing. in the soul we shine unscathed, our true selves true nature, survive always glowing holding us up to help us find the path on which we are meant to exists and shine. our souls help us to relate, guide us in the world outside of ourselves and the world inside ourselves. OUR SOULS, OUR TRUE NATURE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT, REAL ASPECT OF OUR EXISTENCE. that is where i can go to find myself~~~RUBY

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Reflection, forgivness, and change, I wrote of the first two in my previous blog. After a lot of reflecting on ones self and others comes forgiveness. Forgiveness towards ourselves and others, forgiving...... is difficult to say the least. The third part of the days of awe I believe would be change. How does one change or what to change? There are changes we make within our selves that affect who we are, how we relate to the inner and outer world. Then there are changes we make

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Reflection, forgivness, and change, I wrote of the first two in my previous blog. After a lot of reflecting on ones self and others comes forgiveness. Forgiveness towards ourselves and others, forgiving...... is difficult to say the least. The third part of the days of awe I believe would be change. How does one change or what to change? There are changes we make within our selves that affect who we are, how we relate to the inner and outer world. Then there are changes we make

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

This being the last of the 9 day of awe, between Rosh hashana and Yom kippur or in english, the days between New years and the Day of atonement. These are the days when reflection, forgiveness and change for the following year are done. The book of life is opened on rosh hashana though yom kippur, inscribed is our fate and the book closed and sealed, for another year. Reflection, I believe is the first step, understanding ourselves and behavior toward others. How our actions even thoughts effect everything in existence. So what have our actions been, what are the consequences , what can we do after identifying our reflections alleviating the hurtful negative aspects in ourselves and towards others, expanding the strengths and virtues. Then learning to block others energy, they might not even be aware of it or that is being aimed at you. Next I believe would be forgiveness, not just of others actions toward us more importantly forgive ourselves! All we have done,said or thought whether it is of our own doing or that of someone else triggering a response. Forgiveness towards ones self and asking those we have harmed ( even if we do not think we have) is really really difficult. In a way it is admitting to faults be they real or even harder, real just to oneself or someone else, or not real at all!

this too shall pass

it turned out alright! this night I felt so alone, the world swirls around,everyone runs,but me. I sit alone with my head my heart and hands. being alone is good,getting to know ones self who you are, what you are, if you are really lucky where you are going, very, very intimate. I can not think of anything more exclusive than that! Me,Myself and I. An hour spent with a very dear sweet friend, I didn't feel all by myself, warm laughter and an understanding that can only come from time, years with the truest trust you can ever find, I am lucky to have such a great friend. Then back to my shelter or is it my prison? I can not tell!! But all ends well I like to be alone with all that I have, ME.

this too shall pass

THIS TOO SHALL PASS-LIVING IN CONSTANT PAIN: this too shall pass

THIS TOO SHALL PASS-LIVING IN CONSTANT PAIN: this too shall pass: We are BETRAYED at every turn we take. Firstly, we are souls trapped inside a Temple that is crumbling from the inside out. like an old...

this too shall pass

IF I DON'T GET IT OUT I THINK, I FEEL, I KNOW, I WILL EXPLODE! I KNOW I HAVE SEEN AND LIVED SO MANY TIMES IN ONE LIFE, ALL CHASING EACH OTHER AROUND IN MY HEAD. THE GOOD ARE GREAT,THE BAD ARE HORRID. WHAT TO DO WITH SO MUCH IN THERE? TEACHING WAS GOOD THEN AS SOON AS I BEGAN TO REACH THE PATH......IT FORKED......FINDING MYSELF IN A PLACE SO WONDERFUL THEN, BUT NOW THE WALL HAS COME. DO I GO UP,DOWN OR AROUND? I WOULD LOVE SOMEONE TO GIVE ME THE CLUES. WHO AM I KIDDING, I WON'T LISTEN. I SEEM TO KNOW WHICH WAY TO GO, THEN THAT DAMN FORK POPS UP AGAIN, I HAVEN'T A CLUE. WOW NO MISSPELLINGS, THAT IS A FIRST!!!

CHANGING OF THE TIDES

Changing of the tides was to be a positive title, di

this too shall pass

I keep hearing, take responsibility for your behavior, Seems to me all I do is walk around and apologize for my behavior,neh, my very EXISTENCE, I do no know how too take anymore responsibility for actions I don't recall making! If I do recall something, most like likely I could not stop my self, at that moment. I feel awful , this is not me, this is not drugs speaking. A veil that has desended over my being, I experiance the world from inside a cloud, all is fozzgy, glancithing at reality though eyes I know are not showing me the truth. BAD BLOOD

this too shall pass

YESTERDAY ROCKED......THIS IS NOT FAIR!......I have never said it before and I pray I'll never say it again. Once more this isn't FAIR. I hate the roller coster that is my life, there must be something to depend on. Yesterday was such joy, a two hour walk, I won't sa how far I got but it was two hole hours out of my sanctuaray. I made my own dinner, lol. I set up my etsy booth, made a neckless, and worked on putting togther a book!! Now I know that seem

this too shall pass

We are BETRAYED at every turn we take. Firstly, we are souls trapped inside a Temple that is crumbling from the inside out. like an old building our bodies pipes,beams, the very foundation it's self is slowly cracking and disintegrating from under us. OUR BODIES, OUR TEMPLES ON EARTH BETRAY US.Then there are those we love that love us, they just do not get it. They haven't a clue about what we go through, how hard we fight just to stay alive. Their frustrations from a lack of understanding (grock ) comes at us like bullets. LOVE, A GENTLE TOUCH BECOMES ELUSIVE AGAIN WE FEEL BETRAYED. Then we get to the healers. They try in their limited way to help us become strong, healthy even stay that way. They do not listen,they do not HEAR what we are saying. They know better than we do about OUR BODIES, they will never be able to truly helps us until they learn to work with us, instead of telling us what they think, it is we who are going through this. What it is we need to heal , WE ARE BETRAYED BY OUR HEALERS, THEY KNOW WHAT WE NEED. In the end they make us sicker our lives become a living hell , BETRAYED.

CHANGING OF THE TIDES

Time for a brain cleaning or maybe it should say adjustment. I really want to trust the important people in my life,or should it say I really want them to trust me!! either way time to make some changes in the old mind, The place needs a new pattern. Most of the time I am alone unless someone is being paid. most of those who are dearest to me, stay a bit away or are around little or are around only for a second. They have of late begun thinking of me a a hypochondriac,lire,who knows what else! They have an excuse not to listen or even believe what I am saying. Lucky the prision walls are beginning to expand! WHOLE NEW ~~TEAM~~OF DOCTORS listening to me trying to understand and get what I need. those around me must accept them, they saved my life 2 times now. Notice all the problems seem to be with others thinking not mine.This is how I know I need to change the way I think and feel, they won't!! BEGINNING THE CHANGING THOUGHT PATTERNS.~~TODAH L'ELOHIM V' HASHECNAH.~~~RUBY

this too shall pass

I would think it is time for a brain revision.

this too shall pass

What is going on in the medical world today.Fist they ignore me foe 20 years. Then they slice and dice me for 15 years, now I am a complete mess. every doctor thinks they know what is best, until I see them a few times, that is when I get pawned off on someone else,who says they have not a clue.so back to the shrink I go.OMG will this vicious cycle ever end. TO HAVE THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE DEPENDENT ON PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY KNOW IT ALL IS THE MOST AGGRAVATING, DENIGRATING, AND HUMILIATING THING I CAN THINK OF.That's not entirely true but I'll lave that for another time. PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST!!

this too shall pass

I am alone and so it must be. No one can enter or even try. Do I remember a time when it was not this way? at times, there have been moments in life when others have been a part of me and I of them but so so short and quickly it passes. I am alone again just as before.Needing to justify my existence not truly wanted, not needed at all not kicked out the door, yet I can feel their desire to be rid of me yet the door remains closed,why? To open it and go, freeing them all, myself most of all! No justification no reason at all for why I exist. I am. that is all.
.

this too shall pass

I can not quite understand why people call me and tell me how busy they are to even pick up the phone. Do people not understand that I would love to be and wouldn't want to have the time to pick up the phone. But the fact is, I have so much time that I'm not quite sure sometimes to do next. It really does not make me feel any better knowing that you are so busy. While I sit here. So if you'd really like to make me feel better call and just say hi. We don't have to go out for lunch, or even talked on the phone for 10 minutes, although that would be nice. It's difficult to feel so disconnected from the human race and the simple phone call means so much, I feel a lot less lonely and isolated,it's only a phone call, and it only takes two minutes to help someone most of the time feel a part of something bigger than their bedroom.

this too shall pass

lets see if this will now bog!

this too shall pass

this too shall pass

this too shall pass

this too shall pass

this too shall pass

this too shall pass

this too shall pass

this too shall pass

    Maybe I should start with a new back ground, Ya think??

this too shall pass

         I do not know what it is I become so serious when in front of a blank piece of paper. In life, away from blank sheets of paper, people are always laughing, I think it is with me......not at me, one can never know for sure. See it just does not come out funny, you should have heard it in my head, I laughed.             New goal, learning to laugh on paper, now that is just weird sounding, but true!!!  I know that humor helps with pain, So for a while anyway I am practicing let art of laughter on paper!!!!!

this too shall pass

Finally, a good long sleep. I think I slept on the sofa for 3 hours and then straight to my bed for another 8 wow that just never happens anymore. Pain wakes me up every 2 or 3 hours, I am up for 2 and then another 2 or 3 hours. That is the pattern, not to good for someone trying to heal. BUT LAST NIGHT ROCKED!!! OR I SHOULD SAY    LAST NIGHT I WAS A ROCK,LOL.  Then I have to wake 3 to 5 hours before the pain is bearable. I almost felt like myself again. But then I sit and wait and wait and wait, as I do most of my life, for someone who says they are stopping by or coming home to arrive. By the time that happens they are tired or I am. Today was the worst after waiting for hours keeping busy doing nothing of importance finally some people came home. Yeah I would do stuff,not alone, every one came home and went to sleep. THE WORLD OUT SIDE MUST BE REALLY GREAT WHEN IT IS BETTER THAN KEEPING A PROMISE.

this too shall pass

THE GREATEST GIFT OF GENEROSITY IS THAT OF NON-ATTACHMENT! WONDER WHAT I THINK ABOUT THAT  ONE, FIRST TIME A CHEAP FORTUNE COOKIE HAS EVER MADE ME THINK!!!??                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

this too shall pass

here i go again!!!!!!!!! home for 4 days and back to the hospital I go!!!!!!!!!!!! I can not believe this crap, they send me home knowing there is a problem, call my primary to tell him I was told the whole neat to my spine is filling with spinal fluid. Suddenly it is an EMERGENCY,  I have to get to the ER ASAP, that is a load of CRAP. I just got my walking,eating,and all that stuff down to a routine, beads organized ready to make and I can make money.  If they keep me I might really go off on someone. Totally allergic to the place on top of it, I  DO  NOT  WANT  TO  GO!!!!    AGAIN   going for a walk before i call 911 it has been this way for years so I am in n big hurry, maybe not the best choice but i is also 3:00 pm, shift change, better t wait until that is over!  I KNOW WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT HOSPITALS FOR NEVER WORKING IN ONE. Later a few prayers wouldn't hurt.~~~~~~~~~PEACE TO THE MIDDLE EAST~~~~~~~~~RUBY

thiss too shall pass

Ruby for never how well this types out.  The next thing I want to say is this should be a really fun and easy way for me to type out what you me to write in my blog.right well not compared to what we've been living in which is used to being out at my moms house ofthis can be pretty bad for her.  Forget that it type it all out. why won't it continue.  Continue please thank you.  When it is green it means it is typing what you are saying.  And now I must get used to using this device now I must find this tutorial that will help me.  I read a new odd right and I would like it to keep I'll write all rights thank you and I am finished with this practice.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS-LIVING IN CONSTANT PAIN: thiss too shall pass

THIS TOO SHALL PASS-LIVING IN CONSTANT PAIN: thiss too shall pass: "this whole dealing with people shit is uuuuggggggggg! and horrid! first i was born sensitive,or as some would say too sensitive, how is too ..."

thiss too shall pass

this whole dealing with people shit is uuuuggggggggg! and horrid! first i was born sensitive,or as some would say too sensitive, how is too much of what they are?? i am still working on that one how a person can be too much of who they are. is it to much for them? then is that not their problem not mine. Is it that i am too much to be able to function in the world? Then it would seem that it is my problem,i can not expect the world to change  to Taylor to my too much of...ok, so i am sensitive it allows me so much, a way of being and seeing in this world again i ask how can i be too much of existing as i was from birth. i have always liked seeing the world the way i do! what i do not like is the response some people have towards me. being sensitive allows me to be sympathetic or even empathetic not qualities i asked for but non the less posses. people who do not want or can not deal with sensitivity really do not have the ability to deal with those who are. it is at a time like now that i really do not want to be sensitive, that is dealing with pain in my body, i wish i wouldn't feel it as much as i do. it is not pleasant nor fun and a really bad way to seek attention. i would prefer to get attention from my accomplishments,not my failures. Again how is feeling the pain that i live in too much? if the pain were not there i wouldn't feel it! for now HOW IS ONE TOO MUCH OF WHO THEY ARE?

this too shall pass

where have all the saved drafts gone? long time passing,so so many lost some where in cyberspace. the pain i go through, physical ,emotional and mental,uuuuggggggggg!!!  im going in again i WILL find them!!

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

  I AM N LONGER SURE IT WILL PASS I AM WATCHING MY BODY DISINTEGRATE MORE AND MORE DAILY.. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE  HOPE HAS GONE, BUT GONE IT HAS. NO MORE TOMORROWS FOR ME FILLED WITH RIDING THE WAVES,WATER OR ICE. CUTTING IN WHILE FLING  DOWN A WHITE POWDERED MOUNTAIN.OR OVER THE RIDGE OF THE WAKE.. I STILL FEEL IT IN MY BODY, HOW TO LEAN,WHEN TO BEND, LETTING THE ELEMENTS CONTROL EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT I MAKE., GIVING IN TO A FORCE MUCH BIGGER AND STRONGER THAN YOUR OWN. OH HOW I MISS IT, THE FELLING OF BEING BUT A PASSER BY ENJOYING THE RIDE,  I AM BECOMING A WATCHER, WATCHING IT ALL PASS BY.    IN THE MORNING I GO TO YET ANOTHER DOC. PRAYING HE WILL UNDERSTAND AND BE ABLE TO MAKE A CHANGE, THAT WOULD BE SOOOOOOOOO  SWEET.. THIS IS ACTUALLY BIG ONE, SOMEONE WITH KNOWLEDGE AND POWER I HOPE HE UNDERSTANDS HOW DESPERATELY I WANT,NEED A LIFE AGAIN. NO LONGER THE WATCHER ,A  PARTICIPANT  AS WELL. SO MUCH I STILL WANT TO DO EVEN WASH OUT THE CUPBOARDS WOULD BE FUN FOR A MINUET..

WILL THIS EVER PASS

I Can not believe it has been so long,my friend. A BLANK SHEET OF PAPER,THINGS. I HAVE WRITTEN ARE BEING USED AGAINST ME. WITHOUT TELLING ME WHAT I WROTE,SO I GUESS I HAVE BECOME AFRAID TO PUT ANYTHING TO PAPER. I THINK I HAVE SPENT 3/4 OF MY LIFE INTIMIDATED BY SO MANY PEOPLE I REALLY THINK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. IF I PERCEIVE SOMETHING IN A CERTAIN WAY WHO ARE THEY TO TELL ME IT IS NOT SO! I HAVE SAID WHAT I NEEDED TO GET OUT, CALM DOWN. SUDDENLY I AM BEING ACCUSED OF SAYING HURTFUL THINGS TO OTHERS, I DO NOT MEAN TO HURT ANYONE . MY REALITY IS MINE,AND MINE ALONE. NO ONE PERSON CAN SAY IT ISN'T SO!!  MY LIFE~~~MY REALITY~~~~~RUBY

to life and love first-come and fleeting away

big    big   big    love forever~~~RUBY~~~thanks for all the honesty and truth from you all these years!! that is as much to the point as I can get.

this too shall pass

      I sit here surrounded,alone. My body has given up it is no longer the temple I remember it to be! I know I am still inside but she doesn't come out any more. I HAVE BECOME A PRISONER OF MY TEMPLE, MY BODY.    I WANT HER BACK!  ~~LYNN RUBY BIRD SPIRIT~~
























































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